Perspective worthy of poetry.

Every human being thinks they’re better off alone, that the damage we do in numbers is colossal, but the silent immense pain we bring upon ourselves is the real war that occurs each and everyday. The pain that lingers from the past and the fear that emits because of the future. It’s the haunting memories and damaged capabilities. The change in our behavior, beliefs, and backgrounds. It’s the unthinkable actions that lead us to discover who we really are and the faded advice that drowns with the next bottle of booze. It’s the lives that ultimately change through experience and the reality that things break and sometimes moving on is easier. The piercing heartache that sometimes goodbyes do mean forever and forever is a lie.

Anthropology class makes me think...

Some things happen for a reason, while others just happen. Sometimes we wait for things to happen and other times we make them happen. Truth is we never know when something is going to happen, good or bad, and we won’t realize what that moment meant until it’s a proven lesson later on. The simple things like riding a bike seem mechanically straight forward and yet they teach us to never give up because nearly everything we think of is possible and we shouldn’t give up just because we fall a couple times or scrape our knees. Life is so tightly paired with these lessons because it’s within those experiences that we learn to live, it’s those moments that teach us everything. Those moments need reason, maybe to teach us a lesson, improve a skill, or punish us for our mistakes, but our psychological minds need to search the depths for some measure of understanding in order to be comforted by a random mishap.

Maya Angelou once said to “trust life a little bit” and this quote goes against our psychological reasoning because we find it nearly impossible to just sit back and take a breather. My mother believes that you need to “live and let live” which is a common phrase defined as “allowing other people to live their lives however they desire”. So whether you believe one or the other, eventually you will begin to question who you are and why you do things the way you do. These moments that randomly occur mold you whether you are blind to it or not, whether everything is random or planned… things are always happening. Each and everyday millions of people steadily bulldoze through life without experiencing true passion or discovering their niche, and that seems to create a pointless society mended together with eight hour shifts and mountains of homework.

What do you think of life? Is it really worth living? Is there anything in life worth dying for, and if so, would you really fight to live so you could die fighting? I focus so much on the random moments because what else is there? I’m in College and day to day I struggle through homework and sway from job to job in a constant war to claim my place in this chaotic world we call home. What is my niche? Who needs me? I believe that we all question our government, family, and the mold we are forced in, but maybe I can’t simply float along in this pretend bubble like everybody else. I might not know why I’m here but I know deep down that I was never meant to be another carbon copy. Maybe this is why I question so much, because I know my experiences aren’t leading me to get shaped by some socially acceptable cookie cutter. Lately I think alot about what my niche will turn out to be, but in reality, I’m dreaming up a moment. I figure that either something happens and something clicks so I’m sure of a career or I dedicate my time to deciding and build a passion from manual discovery.

I am different, aren’t we all? Our niches shouldn’t be stripped down to choices of art, business, or a steady trade job. It seems that these choices between A + B lock up the capabilities of each person as individual. It makes me wonder how many talented individuals give up when they can’t find the course they want to take on a University website. To be a brilliant dancer we are told that you have to be the best, which usually means starting at a very young age… but what if you didn’t know until eighteen? Our society is going to destroy thousands in the hopes of improving a few and creating champions, but in the end you only get a few douche-bags with trophies and a world full of so called “losers”. What do we become than? Stronger? No. That smaller talent that’s not seemingly good enough for the big leagues can be built up and instead of weeding them out we can use them in the blueprints of a wonderful city.

It just makes me wonder how many people experience a moment that transfers their life from dust to gold and how many people spend their lives working towards a moment they never get to experience? I hope the little people that hide within the city walls question who they are and where they are going because it’s the unsure population that deserves to be.

I have faith in Maya Angelou’s quote “trust life a little bit” but sometimes it takes a bit of courage and the creation of our own moments in order to fully develop a life with reason. I, for one, pray that one day it all makes sense.

There is this knot in my stomach, this brutal feeling of wrong.

This twisted decision in this small soul that can barely contain all the past betrayal. I feel the tears swelling up in my eyes and I’m helpless as they fall. Lately things have been so difficult as I hurt people without laying a hand on them, pierced through hearts without even being close enough to hear them beat… hitting people with walls that were built with the guilt of thousands. All this heartache, all these complicated scenarios that should have never been. The words that I’ve been saying lately, these complicated, imperfect sentences that are like thorns slicing through delicate flesh. I sit here in ruins and yet I’m on a throne, a throne of denial and conceded self-worth. Everything has changed and I’m left here with barbed wire as a gut and aching sores around my heart. I am hurt, I am wounded… I was left behind. I’m not sure what to do with these upcoming days and I feel as though I should be locked up like the secrets behind the safe. However, my life shines in the lives of other’s and I cannot bail, I shall not fall, I refuse to run away. This is how it is now, this household of smiles finally burned to the ground and yet these ashes dance around as though they were born to be famous. These ashes made from ruins, made from tears, made from scars that’ll never fade or be hidden in public. They are invisible and yet they perform as though they stare into the eyes of an endless audience. I will never give up, I will never stand down. I am ashes, I am born again… and again. I handle the shade as though I was born in the night and the night will always be my place of refuge. I was born to endure, to communicate, to lead. I was born to shelter, born to fight, born to stand tall and walk up the highest mountains this Earth gave birth to. I am the daughter of darkness and nobody, I repeat, nobody will slow me down.