The journey continues as my strength fades.

I’ve spent all this time running around my head, from station to station, topic to topic. I’ve been trying to find the cure, build a plan, box it all up and move it on out. I’ve planned, I’ve remained awake all through the night, I’ve sauntered into my imagination and plucked the reality that strains my last nerve. I’m ready, I’m moving forward… and yet, this little piece of self-doubt still opens its greedy little eyes whenever I take another step forward. I’m still failing, I’m still weakened as I do not stand tall, I’m still fading beneath the waves. I’m still making my way to the beach, still fighting furiously against the currents that only reach my knee, still sinking into the sand at every pause. The sun warms by back as I stare into the eyes of my shadow. I’ll make it there someday soon, as long as I can envision the shore.

I just finished my fourth Nicholas Sparks novel and this one actually had a great twist at the end of it.

I mean, I’ve read three of his other books and thoroughly enjoyed them all but this one had a great twist at the end. I never used to read much before, butThe Last Song caught me when I saw it in theaters. My bestfriend, at the time, had read the book so I accompanied her to the theater and a little nudge to read it and I was lost in a sea of literature. I read it in two weeks or something, which is amazing for me… probably longer then two weeks. Anyways, then I read The Guardian when I was away in Hawaii and then The Lucky One in two nights and then a few weeks to read Safe Haven. Anywho, I’ll be back in Chapters in a few days to purchase myself another imaginary world with characters that I can learn from. I’m left with a weird feeling right now, could be hunger but maybe it’s just a pit of loneliness. I suppose I’m unsure. There is alot of stress built into bricks of frustration that keep bruising me and leaving me in tears lately and I guess that I’d rather get lost in somebody else’s terror then turn around and face my own troubles. I’d rather believe in miracles, knights in tin foil, and all those cheesy quotes that roll off the tongue at the right time. I’d rather strain my eyes making sense of the words that a stranger wrote to make billions of dollars. I’d rather believe in the little things, the little things that build cities of laughter. I’d rather believe in love.

This is a photo of me and my ladies, we did the Coquitlam Crunch today. At first it was difficult because the incline was really steep but then it leveled out enough so that the burn went away and we made it to the top. We took one break to stretch and then the rest wasn’t so bad at all. I’m really proud that we did that today, we woke up at 9am and left early so that we’d have the entire day after. We got Tim Hortons and parted ways and a few hours later I was back in Coquitlam to pick up Kieren and we hit the gym for an hour and a half. After partying last night and sleeping five hours, I somehow managed to get the energy to workout for three and a half hours… so random but so epic! I’m so full of endorphins that I’m just naturally happy right now. I’m a happy, achy, noodle right now. I bench pressed 65 pounds today and I’m pretty damn proud of that, pretty stoked that Alana, Nichelle, and Kieren are going to join Amy and I for our workouts. So while I’m unemployed I can go all three times a week and build some muscle and this Saturday we’re doing The Crunch yet again. I purchased some Acai Berry pills so hopefully that makes a difference but otherwise I’m just chillin’ on the road to greatness. EPIC!

To beat a one thousand pound animal into backing away from a one hundred pound human being is tragic.

I used to not understand the rescue and why my sister was so involved, I mean I understood the saving horses ideal but not the deeper interaction. I used to ride, english saddle for four years, but that wasn’t the same thing. Those horses weren’t afraid, those horses weren’t beaten and neglected, those horses weren’t starved and deserted, they were just horses. The horses I rode had an owner that fed them, loved them, and taught them that little kids just wanted to learn how to ride them with little force. The horses I visit at J&M Acres Horse Rescue don’t understand what an apple is because they’ve never been handed a treat so sweet and juicy. Now I understand why my sister does it and why she takes it home with her everyday, because it’s no longer a volunteer position, it’s a lifestyle. What these horses have gone through is hard to think about when you see the fear in their eyes and the sadness that can’t be drained through tears. They are broken, they are broken because somebody didn’t love them and they depended on that person. Every human being in this world knows what that feels like, but the person they loved controlled if they got fed or not or how much they were beaten so they didn’t fight back. Humans beat each other man to man, but to beat a one thousand pound animal into backing away from a one hundred pound human being is tragic. Sometimes I wish these horses had fought back and broken somebody’s leg or a couple of ribs… but these horses aren’t monsters, they are just the haunted images of what human beings are capable of. Horses are much the same as dogs, much the same as children. They depend on you, they depend on us, and we let them down. I go to the rescue now by choice, I volunteer to groom them and love them because that is not a chore, that is humane. If you want to help by donating or adopting, please check out their website > http://www.jmacresrescue.com/

I’m posting this photo because it represents an amazing friendship. I met Amy (on the left) in Woman’s Studies class last semester and it all started with simply taking a seat beside her on the bench outside the Douglas College doors. We had a simple conversation and then attended class together without the knowledge that we were going to become the best of friends. We spent that entire semester discussing our lives and filling eachother in on drama and helping eachother in class. We exchanged numbers and Tims iced capps and didn’t think much of it. I thought that after that semester we’d probably drift like most people do when they’re not in the same classes but even though we have nothing together this semester, we still chill twice a week and attend the gym. We went and saw The Hunger Games together cause she read the book and when we workout we laugh till it hurts. I tell her everything and she understands, she tells me everything and I understand. Amy has become quite the friend to me and I never expected that from College, I expected parties and new friends yeah… but I never expected to trust another bestfriend the way I trust her. I am very proud to call her my friend and I look forward to every Tuesday and Thursday to workout and laugh and sing together, we have the same goal and that only brings us closer. She is fucking awesome and I am really glad that I got the opportunity to meet her. Thanks for moving to Coquitlam bestie! I love you! ♥

My mind is tangled up in the memories of yesterday, tripping over the feeling that was once all I needed.

The actions that lined up, one after the other, created the perfect scenario. These actions created a beautiful firework that was lit by blunt remarks and gentle kisses. A firework that detached in the sky, separating into singular stars of color. A majestic rainbow that glowed upon the midnight sky, a daring fireball, a man-made magic. These fireworks blew up in the darkness, making the crowds visible for miles. The audience of this scientific festival shined as if they were bathed in glitter with each shooting bundle of chemicals that shattered right above them. Colors of red, blue, orange, green, purple, yellow and pink illuminated the upper atmosphere. However short this display of ingenuity carried on for, the community never doubted its brilliance. This art-form was like paint splatter temporarily decorating the universe and people would come from all over the world just to get a glimpse. It was kinda like romance, people rushing out to the movies in order to believe in something that you cannot see. Well, I mean you can see the love in somebody's eyes and feel it in their heart as it pumps their rich blood through their body as they make love, but you cannot see love. Love is matched with fireworks because you wait and wait and wait and all of a sudden something goes off in your mind and it can be seen just as clearly as the unique colors detonating all over the world. Love is also magic, a burst of happiness that comes in many shapes and forms. It takes a courageous person to light it up for all to see, and yet, when it can be seen, that is when everybody stares in awh. When a firework is brave enough to light up the night sky, that is when it is truly beautiful. Fireworks blast for only a moment and glide down in ash, but even the fall is graceful, beautiful. The ash seeps into the ground and gets trampled as the crowds move on through to get home, but the ash also goes home. The ash dissipates among the earth and gets set to rest, and although nobody else sees it breaking down, the earth hugs it as the rain pours down and eventually... it rests in peace and another firework lights up the starry sky. Love comes and goes, and yet, even when I'm hugging the earth like ash... I still can't wait to light up like a firework once again. Love... well let's just say I'll never forget my first and never stop looking forward to my next. Love is just... well it's just a beautiful performance that I hope to set a match too once again.

I'm still here, learning how to live like everybody else, but I'm not doing it alone.

We all wander through life trying to find our niche, where we are meant to belong. We ponder our past, present, and future trying to discover where the missing piece is, why we lack the urge to stay where we presently stand. It’s this lifelong quest to create peace of mind, to fulfill the inner box and feel completely whole. The need to belong is international and yet sometimes we discover how far away it can turn out to be. However, sometimes when you take the time to look around, really look, you tend to see things that didn’t register before. I looked around today, as I comfortably sat around the table at The Keg, and I found a sense of belonging that didn’t occur to me before. I found a sense of self, a sense of moving on, a sense of bliss. I belong, right here, in the center of a growing family full of unique characters and different last names. I belong with the Thompson grandparents and the Northern cousins. I am proud to be a Lizee. I love my family and all the last names that connect to it. Tonight was a beautiful, heartwarming reflection on the familiar faces that surround me with laughter and love. I felt peace for the first time in a long time and I’m beginning to realize that I have choices and that I’m not just stuck with a specific handful of people or one path to walk. I’m allowed to wander between groups of friends and boys and stick out the rough patches alone if I feel like it. I’m getting back into the groove of doing homework and not being so anti-social when I get invited out. I’m just another teenage girl learning how to live life as best as she can. I’m making mistakes and drinking too much and I’m just enjoying the ride. Things happen, things change, things keep happening and things keep changing. Sometimes, you just have to live. Just let go and fucking live. I’m slowly learning how to do that and maybe one day I’ll figure it out but I know that I’m not doing it alone. I have my big, heartwarming family full of personality and excitement and friends come and go and lovers shouldn’t be temporary. I’m a Lizee and I’m going to be alright.