I wish I knew what was out there for me, what was just waiting far far away.

[Photo courtesy of myself; Megan Lizee]

I wish I knew what the future held and where I should be standing right now, I wish I knew which map to grab off the wall and which route to plan out. I guess thats the adventure in it all though and why you should be excited instead of weary, because either way we are all travels, most of us just prefer to be physical when it comes to a movement but it’s the mind that should be judged on planning and the heart on strength. It’s a tough world out there and William Shakespeare quotes that “fishes live in the sea, as men do a-land; the great ones eat up the little ones” but I don’t know what I want to be known for, not just yet.

Blar, blar, don’t know what to do… blahrrr.

Alright so now everything seems to be in order. I bought my hair-dye today so I have now purchased everything that I’ll be needing for Graduation. This is good. My mother and aunt seem to have a plan for everything and I collected tickets today and will hopefully be getting five more for my guests, I have some forms I need to hand in and some loose papers but this is looking good. I’ll arrive with a good friend, sit at a table with some friends and others, and than dance all night and such with my girls and whoever is on the dance floor. I hope this turns out and I hope I feel like the bell of the ball and as it seems with my dress, shoes, earrings, corsage, garder, hairstyle and whatever else… it’s lookin’ up. I have one course left, Geography, and the project will be done this week and than final next week when my teacher decides to write it. Stress level is still very high and I have knots in my neck, cramps, and a badass headache that won’t decrease pain level even after two weeks… this is awesome. One part of me wants everything just DONE and OVER WITH, but yet, when it’s all over I know how much I’ll end up missing it later on so I’m almost satisfied with this stress. I’m just confused and out of it and I want some clarity someday soon.

The ocean waves penetrate the sand time after time as the tide lingers in and drags itself on out again. The waves unsettle billions of grains and accumulate some to toss around in the current when they subside. Powerful, massive, white tipped sharks bowling down the pacific and barreling into the steady shoreline. Gripping rocks and trashing sandcastles as onlookers enjoy the beautiful site of “damage” at the least. This site that visitors fly for miles to enjoy, as the sand bleeds and reforms over and over again. Torture. This is where I stand and this is what I see, I can’t simply look away as the waves close in on me, I watch and I stand my ground sinking lower into the gap of fragile salts. This is my home, this is where I stand astray… this is where they come to watch me… every single day.

Distance:

Clouded with anger and choices and memories without reason, cracked with regrets and long life scars that will never fade, moved with fear and truth; and the fear of the truth. To have it pressuring my heart into this fragile place until it bursts with sobs and sorrow, all of it right here and now, driving the stake through my heart and bleeding the rights straight down my spine. Curable with love, passion, belief and hope, so ready to be stitched with faith and courage. Distance, terribly wrong, if it weren’t for forgiveness.

Escaping within another characters world and finding the similarities between theirs and yours and clasping hope from it all...that is a story.

It took me months to read all of the novel “The Last Song” after I watched the movie and fell in love I needed more. I read the novel and everything about it was written perfectly, I love the style Nicholas Sparks uses because it allows you to really get into the heads of all the characters and understand the thoughts and processes… something action scenes and narrative language cannot visualize. This proved to me how much more important a novel is when it comes to character analysis. One quote from this was “you have to love something before you can hate it” and it really stood out to me because I never really gave novels a chance, said I just didn’t have time or the patience for it and than the moment I got swallowed up into the middle of this novel I found peace with myself. I got taken by a story that offered me a home for a little while when the real world was to shaky to even stand or withold tears from. I now understand why people read, before this book I had read like… Matilda, most of The Boxcar Children series, The Giver, The Outsiders, Supernatural Nevermore, Nanny Diaries, and some comics and other parts of books but not the entire literature beauty. Anyways, this was yet another book that I read from start to finish but it was different, it was a love story, a love story about family and forgiveness and moving on and all things beautiful. This book was something I am so proud to have read and since it was just a borrowed copy I shall purchase one for myself and hopefully continue this gorgeous journey within a strangers eyes. Novels, they are definitely worth making time for and in a time of stress and great need to escape, they are nothing less than perfection. Thank you.

The Heart:

It’s the little things that bruise and bang it up, it’s the bigger things that crack it and continue fractures, but it’s the big big moments that break it completely.

If there is one thing I have always wanted (besides Superpowers) it would be…

to be a part of a team, a team that would never let you down. When I watch Hockey games I get caught up in how they defend each-other, how they tackle the opposing team for what they did to a singled out player. I love it so much, so when I can’t even keep a best-friend it just breaks my heart. It really just breaks my heart because I have always wanted a team and I can never seem to build one, I understand why Green Arrow and Batman would rather work alone and how miserable one can be when letdown… so why put yourself out there right? I don’t think this feeling will ever go away, and hopefully, one day I’ll feel like I am apart of something.

I LOVE SUPERHEROES

June 17th, Green Lantern.
June 22nd, Captain America.
I shall see these films =)

PARTY TONIGHT!

It’s finally Summer Orientation time at Douglas! Woot woot, I’m counting on meeting new people in September and either way I’ll be attending this school with a true friend, Rachel. Tonight we shall scan the campus, meet new people, have our questions answered and mow down some appetizers. I can’t wait because It’s been really stressful to plan shit and get everything together and this is the pay off, moving on from Highschool and surrounding myself with people who act their age. I’m really excited to buy a hoodie and sweatpants and such, growing up is rather exciting and rather sad. Tonight, hopefully it’s all exciting.

GRADUATION, I GOT THIS.

Apprenticeship course 11A: DONE
Apprenticeship course 11B: DONE
Apprenticeship course 12A: DONE
Apprenticeship course 12B: DONE
Grad Transitions: DONE
Comparative Civilizations: DONE
English 12: DONE
Biology 12: DONE
- - - - -
Writing 12: FINISHING WEDNESDAY
- - - - -
Geography: DOWN TO TWO GUIDES.
- - - - -

SUCK IT.

Went to the dentist today, I know right? EXCITING.

Pretty much no cavities so that`s awesome but my teeth have been sensitive lately and my dentist said that because of stress alot of teens grind there teeth or just clench them tightly together at night which causes the sensitivity. She said that this happens alot around this time of year with Graduation and all and it`s alright. No cavities so it`s looking good except for the fact that my wisdom teeth are coming in and they hurt. Top ones and bottom ones; ones on the right look straight but bottom left might ruin the alignment and get pulled. Fun, fun, fun. It hurts by my ears and my lower jaw; this is great. I know everybody goes through this at some point but it literally just came on all of a sudden and it`s painful so to everybody out there dealing with growing up, we got this!

Tim Hortons new Mint Chocolate Iced Capp,

I recommend you give it a taste because it`s 1am and fogging up my mind again. I hope this isn’t a limited time thing, cause I can’t get enough.

These days people just all-in-all blindly forget,

This is Graduation, grade 12 ending and separate lives becoming more than a small piece of our future. This where we truly, honestly, and without a doubt discover who our real friends are and who cares enough to see a friendship carry on. This is where stress gets to our heads and choices have to be made, where money means more than a $2 coffee and anger ends in tears. This is where our teachers no longer provide guidance, only marks. Where the leveling out of homework and play is mended in an ugly dance of frustration and due dates. This is where a fresh breath of air cannot simply linger into our lungs without first driving over 15km away from our comfort zone. This is where we cannot be afraid to do something against another’s will or breakdown over the small stuff, this is where we grow up, this is when we become adults.

I am a romantic.

I love the scenes with naked girls and fully clothed men. It just outlines how delicate a females body is, and how protective a man can be over a smooth figure. Men are not soft, they are callused and dry and roughly shouldered and sharply edged. Woman are these tender, elegant, moisturized, curved edged and round shouldered individuals and there is something so beautiful about enhancing the difference between the two. I am obsessed with the idea of strength and beauty intertwining in a mess of thoughts, experiences and feelings that combine as one and equal out to admitting that love is the common denominator. I am a romantic.

Something beautiful happened tonight,

a girl lost all selfishness and past shackles, a girl abolished all hatred and regret and created something bright. A girl became so selfless and hopeful, with only the thirst of curiosity and passion swirling around in her lungs. One breath in and one breath out. A choice had to be made, to let go and confide in another or to suffer alone in a basket affect of weaving desire and stab wounds. Tonight, this girl opened her mouth to allow a smile to glide across her face, to allow a fellow enemy to have his day and to allow an old friend to take a glance into the future with hopeful hands and a strong will. People don’t have to change, but they do. People don’t have to make the right choices in life, but when they do magical things happen. I never thought I would see this day, I never thought a night so dark could not even attempt to dim the happiness aura surrounding strangers. I never knew that one day I could be so strong, be so selfless, be so happy for something that would have otherwise torn my heart out. The heart is an amazing thing, to be able to love somebody so much and than allow them to love somebody else and to be ecstatic for them. Love, it’s such a beautiful thing. Passing your heart around for individuals to get a taste and than decide who gets to hold the whole damn thing. Tonight I realized how strongly my heart sits in another man’s strong hands, and how beautiful it is to allow another feminine palm to grasp the heart you once held. Moving on, being selfless, enjoying the heat of the moment… realizing where you stand today. Life is just so fucking beautiful and I am so happy that I had the courage to open my eyes to it, I am so happy that I am no longer blind. I. stand. here. tonight. right. where. I. was. meant. too. I am free.

"This is a man's world but it would be nothing without a woman."

There is nothing like a man being bigger than you are. There is something so raw and safe about it, something so right, something to meaningful. To be a man’s little precious lady, to be a man’s light in the dark, to mean something to a beast. To have somebody hold your delicate hand or lay their rigid palm on your soft stomach, to feel… fragile and exposed to one man and allow him the ability to do anything to you and have him only lightly stroke your cheek. A real man, a real man can be twice your size and never even think about hurting you… not even a pinch. A real man would never ever hit a woman, never threaten to hit a woman or ever downsize a woman’s role in life. A real man can lower his guard for you because he is capable of a connection and there is something so beautiful about that. Something so amazing, beautiful and breathtaking about a strong individual allowing you the site of nurture and stability. To be a man’s crutch, a man who is obligated to control, be in power and rule, to stare into the eyes of a monster and tell him that everything is going to be alright. There is something so raw and safe about it, something so right, something so so very meaningful.

There is a first time for almost everything...

tonight was the first time I have ever gone through a road block. A cop simply stopped me and asked if I had been drinking and asked for my license and was pretty happy and surprised I had my “N” on and properly displayed. I introduced him to my co-pilot Dale who is just a little white shitzu maltese and off I went. It was nothing, but I guess when its your first it’s only routine for the copper.

Fancy drinks are near the top of my favorite things list.

namorado:

boyfriend, lover; sweetheart, sweety; inamorato; honey.

I love raspberries and I can’t wait to drive out somewhere and buy flats of it and go picking ice cream buckets full… Summer is so amazing even when you just consider the fruit from it all. It’s just a desire, a fulfillment, to grasp the opportunity to indulge on these luscious moist berries. To grab a fresh bowl of them out of the buckets and buckets you’ve hand collected from a hard days work, to freeze the flats of them after rinsing and packaging, and to nibble away as you journey across landscapes to find them. Raspberries have always been included in my top favorite foods list and will stay there for yet another season. Raspberries, I can’t wait to come and find you because your freaking delicious.

A woman of faith; distrusted.

I feel so suffocated by the tension; a dense cloud of confusion and hatred. The love is lost over shouts and worrying, over the labored attempts to help somebody and the cries to be heard. The coat of damage that cannot be simply washed away like nail-polish, only cracked and chipped away permanently so not even a manicure can fix its fraud. A dungeon of trapped memories, withheld forgiveness and longing for peace. Angels that come and go without ever sustaining happiness for the poor, angels that wither about until they are chased off. Demolished appetites, busted up toilets and fractured shower spouts; proving only that even the inanimate objects get carried away in this rustled up parade of wrath. A duty to carry on and a heroic act to be sewn, if only enough thread existed for this merchants plea. Will this ever change? Disputes over the worthy leader only dusting up pockets and rummaging through purses as coughed up words are no longer heard. This uproar of questions and answers and deadlines and lost faith in familiar faces. This is so confusing, so difficult, so suffocating. This is just so worthy of a tear that one cannot swell in the pupil as the fire burns on, evaporating personal doubt and draining the opponent. If only it could all burn and dry up, if only more people could see how gone it all really is, a breath of fresh air only dreamed of. Ablaze, smoked, hand-crafted disappointment. This execution of dreams shattered as the house crumbles upon the sand, all confusion, all doubt, all longing. This is where the windows break and the smoke leaches out to smother, stifle, and strangle the opposing evil. The battlegrounds… now active.