I just want to know how I feel, what I want, and where I’m going.

I’m not quite sure how I feel, It’s as if I’m scattered around like PMS and bi-polar disorder. I feel as if I’m broken apart into categories and I’m not sure where I belong. It’s as if everything I know is separated into boxes of happy and sad. I just want to know how I feel, what I want, and where I’m going.

How do I feel? I wonder this each and every day. How do I honestly feel? Well I feel as though something is missing, I feel as though I need to make changes, I feel as though I’m waiting for something. All these things linger around and bottle up, they all cling and clang around in my mind until I transform into a detective and really investigate these individual fractions that make up my unsatisfied life. Now the question doesn’t seem to be as broad and open as a simple “how do you feel?” statement, it seems as though I got this all wrong. It is not just one single standing question that needs to be answered, but a bundle of smaller questions that will eventually converge to a universal discovery. These small questions consist of things like “how come you’re not satisfied with your life as is?” or “what do you believe you’re waiting for?” Life is so massive, so dynamic, that it becomes nearly impossible to merely focus on one question and perceive the answer as a solution. Now to answer these questions you first have to answer this: What do you want?

What do I want? It used to be such an easy question years ago. You were provided with a pad of paper and a pen and a catalogue of things children wanted at your age. It was easy, perhaps too easy, flipping through the catalogue you wrote down half the shit you didn’t even want because maybe it would be cool to own it. These days, nobody really knows. Sure the teenagers my age track down the newest technology and decide they need blackberries, iPads, iPods, and the newest laptops, but that’s only an object anchored with cash. What do they really want? It seems that what teenagers want, teenagers will only keep in secret. What they truly want, they will never tell straight up. They will hide behind music lyrics, movie quotes and their favourite television shows but they will never just tell you what they want. Teenagers want to be happy, that is all. They may list out the newest technology and talk about their favourite careers and what kind of clothes they want to buy but they will never just say that they want it because it makes them happy, and that’s all they’ve ever wanted to be. Young teenage girls wanted all the Twilight books, t-shirts, and posters, because Edward Cullen represented the perfect boyfriend to them and the perfect boyfriend would make any girl pretty ecstatic about life. Younger girls want to get specific clothing labels because they want acceptance, and in a labelled society based on social status, your style is your voice and everybody wants to be heard. The bottom line is we are all just lacking satisfaction in this world and deeply craving happiness. All we truly, madly, deeply want is simple. We want strong, real, true, pure, lasting happiness.

Where am I going? Hmm... what an interesting thought to discover in your own mind, “where am I going?” It’s also rather humorous to ask yourself this, “where am I going?” It’s merely a joke, it has to be, makes me chuckle just saying it. Ha, “where am I going?” The truth is nobody ever really knows. Nobody knows where they’re going to be in ten years even if they have a ten year plan. Nobody really knows if College or University will spin out into a lifelong career track, it’s as if nobody wants to know. Would you want to know? Would you want to know when you were going to get your big break or have your first child? Would you want to know the career path you’ll be taking so you can get the right education at the right time? Would you honestly want to know enough of your future to be prepared for it? I just don’t know. I can’t see myself wanting to know all the answers before it unfolds on its own. Time is much too precious to have fortune tellers interfere. Things happen for a reason and if people knew what was going to happen in advance than there would be no faith. Some people say that it’s the journey that matters, not the destination. However, others believe that it only matters where you end up after it all. I suppose it all depends on who you’re asking and what they want to get out of life.

The truth is, I still don’t know what career track I want or where I’ll be in ten years. I still don’t know what courses I’ll be taking next semester or when I’ll book a shopping trip. I don’t know if I’ll have enough money saved for my car insurance in March and I don’t know if the next boy I meet will break my heart. The truth is I think its better that way, cause if you knew what was going to happen than you wouldn't find joy in the smaller things, you wouldn’t find joy between the beginning and the end. That’s what matters, that’s what important. I’d like to be assured that one day I’ll be happy and get married and have a baby boy like I’ve always wanted to but at the same time I’ll let destiny takes its course and I’ll find faith in that. The journey is what leads us through dark times and brighter tomorrows, it’s this journey that plants the seeds of hope, courage, strength, love, and individualism and these seeds grow throughout eternity to bloom a soul.

I’ve always pondered ideas, each and every day, I’ve made up scenarios in my mind and collaborated hundreds of character traits into myself in order to morph into the woman I’ve always wanted to be. I have an imagination that goes wild whenever my mind drifts off from this busy schedule we call the “teenage years” and I find that wherever it wanders is where I wanna be. I want to be loved, I want to be remembered, I want to feel bliss and at peace and I want to go where the fresh air lingers around newly blossomed leaves and nature is everywhere to be seen. An escape, I want to escape into a Nicholas Spark’s novel or a scene from Vampire Diaries where Elena gets carried away in Damon’s arms after a horrific day. I want to live a life that seems unreal, I want to be so happy that my heart overflows with gratitude under the disguise of good deeds.

I want to live the life I’ve always imagined.