Ohh yeah, I’m chopping off inches and going drastically short. This style but an inch or two shorter I think. Oh yeah, It’s fucking happening for real this time. I said I was gonna do it for summer and although I love how my hair is longer now, I said I was gonna chop it off before and it’s gotta happen! Yes, I’ll probably regret this but I wanna do something drastic so it’s fucking happening! HELLO SHORT HAIR! I need to dye it darker as well but that’ll happen later.

Changes, changes, changes.

I have found a place where I can stick to my guns, especially with wanting to stay single even though I have a guy really wanting one date with me. I have been working so much and school is now handing out bigger assignments to a harder degree and it only makes all of this all the more energy consuming. Life is fucking difficult but now I have something to look forward too, a reason to bulldoze everything down that’s in my way. I am now informed that I’ll be getting a puppy of my own, that my car plans have a chance of working out and I can finally begin what I’ve been planning for years in advance, and I have the chance to reconnect with lost friends. Life is fucking beautiful as the rain pours down on all of us and the clouds darken for the arrival of the storm, this is where we stand, this is the new shit.

Life has been interesting to say the least.

Well it seems that I’ll be getting my own dog. My sister volunteers at a horse rescue and the woman she works with, Julie, has a dog named Cowboy and we’ve babysit him and everything and we all know Julie. Now, Cowboy has a brother that’s only 6weeks old right now but from the same parents and he needs a home. He’s a little brown poodle x shih tzu and my mom saw a picture of him and decided that we’re taking him. He gets to sleep in my room and everything and pretty much be my dog. I can’t wait to meet him and take care of him, I fucking love dogs and it’s been 3 years since my last dog died and I still think of her. She was an english cocker spaniel and her name was Belle, she died of a tumor in her gums and the cancer spread to her lungs and she passed away when she was ready, not before. I’ve been waiting 3 years to have another, like I thought I’d have to wait till mid-twenties till I had a house of my own but I think my mother understands how dear this is to me and that’s why she’s allowing this. I can’t fucking wait to come home to a dog of my own, this couldn’t mean much more than it does. It’s the happiness that swells in your heart and feels like sunken butterflies and that your soul is smiling, it’s when you cry when you hear the news because you’ve waited so long for something to fill this on-going void. I can’t express myself any much more than tears, I’m just so utterly proud.

I wonder how my friends would react if they had to deal with my schedule for a month.

I wonder if they would crack under the pressure or fall asleep during class because of the insomnia. I wonder which fast food places they would choose at midnight or if they’d be okay with not having a family dinner for weeks at a time. I wonder if they would choose to have a boyfriend or depend on themselves. I wonder if they’d show up to class without homework done in an attempt to get at-least 5hours sleep of if they would just stay up all night to finish. I wonder if they’d hangout with all the guys I hangout with and if they’d care to have a best-friend. I wonder how long they would last until they brought their work hours down. I’m not exactly sure whats the “right” way to live my life at this moment but I suppose I’m doing my best.

I need a spark. I need to come alive.

It's the silence, it's the bitter silence that seeps in through the night.

It’s all those whispers haunting your conscience, all those trapped memories blistering your imagination, it’s all those suffocating dreams drowning your ideas. It blurs your vision until reading is nearly impossible and shakes your hand until all you can do is erase the scribbles on your notebook. It’s, somewhat, a disease. It’s, somewhat, a mystery. It’s, somewhat, indescribable. It’s an emptiness and yet a dose of fulfillment. It’s a comfort and a nightmare. It’s this burden to carry and a guided adventure. It’s life, it’s death, it’s family, it’s friends, it’s your job and it’s your technology. It’s your past, it’s your present, it’s your future. Time, it just has a way of building bridges and throwing rocks. A way of pushing daises and flooding towns. It’s in everything we do, all the matter around us, it’s everything. Nothing happens without it, nothing starts with it, and nobody is ahead of it. Time, I guess we’re all stuck here together.

The busy schedule... well it's fucking busy.

Saturday: homework, work(4-10pm), movie marathon, DD
Sunday: homework, work(4-10pm)
Monday: college (10-2pm), work(4-10pm)
Tuesday: college (430-730pm)
Wednesday: college (10-2pm), homework
Thursday: wash car, homework
Friday: work (4-10pm)
Saturday: work (6-12am)
Sunday: work (4-10pm)
Monday: college (10-2pm)
Tuesday: college (430-730)
Wednesday: college (10-2pm), work (4-8pm)
Thursday: homework
Friday: work (6-12am)
Saturday: work (130-10pm)

I hear the planes above me and dream of somewhere far away.

Reasons why today sucks…

-dropped my glasses in a tub of grease
-had to stay half an hour later when I should have left at midnight (work)
-might get fired from my new job
-still on the road to getting sicker
-had a customer want to talk to my manager today
-only ate 2 muffins and a bowl of macaroni
-tired as fuck
-didn’t get my homework done that’s due tomorrow
-tomorrow sucks
-at 12:20am I was emptying grease buckets
-still no paycheck when it’s been a month
-have to contact my union people over stupid shit
-schedule is fucked
-I have to wake up for school in 6hours than work after
-aaaand I’m fucked.

My head is in the clouds and I cannot see the sun.

It’s all just clashing into one another like dominoes, black pieces of plastic toppling over to revisit the number on the other side. The past, the future, and this bank vault in the center of everything. It’s all centered within the barriers of society, like a jail, a jail where no visitors are allowed. Dominoes caving in all around me as the bars bend and break under the sheer sadness of fallen objects, it’s all starting to linger outwards like the high tide infecting the shoreline. Everything, everybody, it’s all spilling onto the restricted canvass nobody was ever meant to see. All these bottled up emotions and tied up excuses, all knotted up to the same anchor to drown one personal individual at a time. Loneliness. The cancer I’ve visited before has now become a room in the mind where the crazies are sent. Where the crazies are drowned, tortured and condemned to their own terrifying thoughts. That’s all you’ve ever had to do, ya know? Just leave me all by myself to sink my own battleship. That is all that has to happen for somebody to disappear like the rain, maybe I’ll return someday and create a rainbow to shine down upon little girls and boys, but right now, right now I can only get lost in the grey clouds.

Our hearts are mended together with the materials given to us from everybody we meet. Patterns of memories and stitches of emotion. Our hearts are tragedy, miracles and the unknown. They are colorful and swollen, they are breakable, broken, and steel. They are beautiful. Blissful silence of beating melodies and fragile thoughts. They carry us around and bury us with a neon sign for somebody to find us again. They are just as uneasy as a scared bear and just as reckless as a drunken soldier, but they are also just as strong as a mother’s connection to her children. We need to hold our hearts in plain sight but never let them go. They are ours and if somebody can love them just enough to keep them pumping, then we have found a trustworthy finger to place a piece of material on and leave it there forever.

Loneliness is underrated.

People don’t understand how underrated loneliness really is. It’s the root of alot of behavior and suppressed emotions. Loneliness is like a cancer and it eats from the inside out until it’s made obvious on your pale white face that you haven’t actually slept in a few days, and than you start to shake because your muscles have been tense for much too long. Loneliness is such a cancer, hollowing you out from the deepest place imaginable, from the bottom of your heart and soul. You can’t see it and only rare gems can successfully allow it to rest in peace. Loneliness is underrated and it’s slowly making the world go mad.

I turned out to be another dead bug trapped in the windowsill because I thought I’d found the light.

War should not be ended by fear, but released by love.

We are only Human.

Life is not beautiful when it is walked through alone. As if we’re wandering through the desert without water. As if we’re only meant to attempt survival and eventually die off, one, by, one. If we were meant to survive in the desert, we would have adapted without this dire need for fluids. We wouldn’t be made 75% of water. If we were meant to survive alone we wouldn’t be born with this primitive need for this common resource. We were born for the rainforest. We were born to sing, communicate, surround ourselves in color and blanket ourselves with warmth. We are meant to be needed, needed on this planet, in this massively dynamic ecosystem. We were built for connections, touch, and reality. In the rainforest you do not survive alone. If you were forced to wallow in the woods with only the shadow on your back, you would become so animalistic that humane characteristics would demolish everyone and everything around and within you. You would simply dissipate with the rain. We are only human, and we need to thrive in the rainforest to even have a fighting chance at this thing known as life. It’s time for us to return to the wild.

Assume that you will fail and failure will be your only option, assume that you will succeed and pride will be the only sin to greet you.

It’s when you give up on yourself that life becomes impossible.

Wow, why does this happen to me?

Today: Work 330-midnight
Monday: College from 10-2pm
Tuesday: College from 430-720pm
Wednesday: College from 10-2pm
Thursday: Work 6-midnight
Friday: Work 4-8pm
Satuday: Work 4-8pm
Sunday: Work 6-midnight
Monday: Work 4-10pm

Baby, you're the only light I ever saw. [8]

Eventually it’ll get better and it won’t just be going through life like a Zombie cause you’re too damn tired to be anything else.

“It has a purpose, and therefore makes sense.”
— Kyle

Kyle: I like deep conversations :)
Me: Its a way of connecting to humanity on a different level. Connecting to a race of people with only using 2, it's an odd occasion that doesn't happen often enough.

* * *

Kyle: I know this is really fucking random but I actually really appreciate talking to you and listening to your opinion, like it sounds stupid but its soo fucking nice.
Me: Fuckin' rights, I'm a poetic individual.

It’s hard to think of how you feel when you know what the affect is gonna be on the other person.

Saturday… was supposed to be my day off -__-

Instead of sleeping in till 2pm, I was woken up and out of bed by noon. FML. Instead of being able to sit around in my bed the phone rang and now I have a list of things to do. I have to change my sheets, complete a stack of homework, purchase proper earrings for work, get a new bank statement, and make some funky salads that I can take for lunch. Right now I’m blasting David Guetta and taking four of his CD’s and making a mass mix for my car which will be fucking epic. I have errands and responsibilities to complete and than tomorrow I got my shift changed so I can come home by 8pm instead of 1230am. It might be better but I won’t know till I get there and experience whatever da fuck this shift is gonna be. It’s only Saturday, work tomorrow, school, school, school till Wednesday and than I work 5 days in a row after that. FUCK MY LIFE.

I. am. so. tired. of. everything.

Cause besides all these work hours, late nights, and scrambling to finish homework… I still have faith that things are going to work out eventually. Even though I’m working for money that only means a status to me and car insurance to get there to make money for a fucking status, I still enjoy bits and pieces of it. Even though I`m attending school for shit I only partially care about with people I don’t care to see ever again, I still find myself smiling every now and than. However, most of the time I smile it’s because I have to, saying shit like “how can I help you?” with a huge plastered smile on my face gets to be routine. Few times am I actually “happy” as in the definition and not the fake mask we put on in the morning to make everybody else feel good about themselves. I can’t actually sit here and say that I’m satisfied with my life even though society would name me their prime kind of person. I have a good union job, lots of hours, a fairly held together family with parents that are still happily married and I’m attending the College of my choice even though I could have easily afforded and been accepted into University. I’m a prime cut portion of society’s “right” definition. I suppose that’s why it’s all boring to me though. I know my life is missing some key points, some massive hard-to-miss puzzle pieces but until I know what it is I’ll never be able to seek it out. I’m just, lonely, and it doesn’t matter how many hours I work or how much money I have in my wallet or what my grades are in College. I’m one of the few that views life as so much more than just that.

We all have our fate, our own destiny… but it’s not always written by God.

They never tell you how bad it’s gonna be, they only prepare you for the worst.

“To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.”
-Steve Prefontaine

What a waste of a Wednesday -___-

Alrighty so I woke up at 8am, as planned. Got ready for 9am, as planned. Got to school by 10am, as planned. Blahblahblah. Saw some friends, made some new ones, English class seems like it’ll be alright and Psychology I ain’t sure if I’ll continue it or not with this stupid teacher I got that I can’t fucking understand. That’s life. Got off early so I had enough time to come home for a bit which is rather nice, it’s a better break when you can just go home. I get to work a 4-10pm tonight but that’s alright cause atleast I don’t have to stay till midnight tonight. However I do have a 6-midnight tomorrow and Friday so FML. I have a stack of homework to complete by Tuesday and some shit to complete by Monday and I work 24hours a week. I know some people have it worse and other people go through life like it’s fucking pudding but this is rough for me. I was out of work 8months before I got this Deli job and I finished school in April (early) like a champ. So go me? I now have a new job and new school and shit and I know I tend to repeat myself way to much but that’s what rewinds and goes back around and around in my brain before I can actually assemble and accept any of it. I know I can get through this but it’s just so fucking dull.

I know I complain and repeat myself but when I tell these things to a stranger they are obviously still bothering me.

“It’s tough. really tough. In the past three months I’ve lost 6 so called friends. One of these was my bestfriend and one was my boyfriend. Erin and Haley turned out to be liars I couldn’t bring myself to trust anymore. Jessica was deceiving and Itay walked out because somebody told him too. Emma chose her boyfriend over me and Chris got fed up and dumped me a week before Graduation. June was shit, I cried while everybody was dancing at Graduation and this Summer was practically worthless. My Grandma has been in the hospital for three weeks off and on from critical condition. She went in with low blood pressure, had a surgery for an ulcer on her stomach, had a blood transfusion and will be having another surgery to get bacteria out of her stomach. I mean, I’m fine and I can deal with focusing on my new job and new school and all this new homework that’s been added onto my plate, but honestly? I have never been so tired.”

I suppose September was meant to be busy, I just thought it'd be a little more exciting.

My new job has been working out alright considering I have a decent attitude towards it once I show up for work. I have been getting 24hours a week and a good staring wage at $9.75 an hour, everybody is nice and such like I’ve been saying. Now I’ve added on a new school, Douglas College, and today I had my first class and it went quite well. I was up and ready by 230pm and got to my school just fine and got an iced capp and met this girl named Amy and than it turned out she was in my Woman’s Studies class so we attended that together. At 730pm I was finally on my way home and got McDicks and than half relaxed. Tomorrow I’ll be up at 8am to attend two classes at school which will lead me to 2pm and than I chill for 2hours before a 6hour shift at Safeway from 4-10pm. This is a bit much at this time in my life, and still I look at it as if I’m missing something, as if something else needs to change drastically. I already have a new job, new school and a handful of new friends. I just can’t piece it all together yet, something really important is invisible. It’s as if I’m searching for something I’ve never seen. Searching without the use of any geographic device to tell me where the fuck I am or where the fuck I need to go. I’m so lost even though my life is so average.

I can act and be whoever I want, but at the end of the day I end up at the same place with a wave washing over me like a puddle drowning Atlantis.

I’m realizing with each and everyday, how truly alone we are.

How everything we do is usually only remembered within one person, how everywhere you go is only pictured a certain way in your mind, how our jobs and our education is so personal because even though we all learn the same things we never actually learn the same way. We are alone. We are all in this alone. We have to be strong because it’s only us, there is one option. I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to realize how important independence is, but it’s a federal American holiday for a fucking reason.

I have a new job to make money and education to make more money, it seems it’s all about the green.

This is me and an awesome quote I believe everybody should listen to.

Work tomorrow, school Tuesday, school/work Wednesday, work Thursday, work Friday... Help?

I love movies.

I love getting lost in other character’s stories and pretending it’ll happen to me someday. It’s a harmless escape from reality that catches up to you later.

Sometimes all we see is black and white, because things either go one way or the other.

Sometimes things get a bit tougher than you expected, but it’s all the more satisfying when you get them done anyway.

Let's play pretend.

You can pretend you don’t care; you can keep it all buried inside and not say a word. You can float on by and do what you have to do each day and pretend like it doesn’t even exist at all. You can joke around and act all bitter as if you can’t feel a thing. You can pretend. You can act as if everything is okay and you can keep moving forward, but because it’s only you, you end up being the only one pretending.

It’s these days, we stay silent.

It’s days like these where lyrics don’t mean a thing, it’s days like these where all you hear is the sound of music. It’s where nothing is hidden cause you hear it all. You hear the slight hint of cello, the hard hitting bass, you hear the soft hums of background singers. You hear what you’re not meant to focus on, but yet it’s all you end up hearing. Sometimes, which ends up being most times, words can’t describe how you feel and you rely on the beauty of hidden melodies to sweep in and speak for you. It’s these days, we stay silent.

Wow sleep deprivation, you're the only thing that could have created this full-fledged zombie over here. Congrats.

Good news and bad news, always a delicate balance.

Well I'm happy I finally got the henna I ordered in the mail and than my good friend Bronwyn came over to my house and was nice enough to create a design for me and put it on. We broke alot of bags and such to try and figure it out but once we did it went on smooth... despite my many giggling fits. I hope it darkens even more overnight cause even what I'm seeing now is nice. I haven't been getting the best of sleep lately and with that I look half dead but with good reasoning 40% of the time. Tomorrow I'll be up at 730am to go to work for 930am. Now I have Sunday off but work my first 6-12am Monday and that worries me and than school starts Tuesday. All my nerves are being used nowadays. After that it's work from Wednesday to Friday, work Sunday, school, school, and so on. It's only getting to be a more complex busy schedule as I get through all this but atleast I have a 500+ dollar paycheck coming to get my savings plan on the right track. It's just alot to take in, alot of work to do, and little sleep to do it. I'm going mental.

It's all just a matter of time.

So today I had another day off and drove up to my Douglas College Campus with my mom. We took a look around to make sure I knew where all my classes were located and where to park and what not. Later on, we got my textbooks, parking pass, a pen and a bright green hoodie. She spent $300 on all that and than bought me Tim Hortons, my Grandpa is paying $200 for my books and I’m really happy about all this. I’m really lucky. My schooling is lookin’ up and I already know like five people going there so maybe I’ll bump into them. My work schedule is doing good considering I still keep getting 24-30 hours a week it’s looking like. I restricted my hours to 24 a week now because school is starting so I’ll be getting Tuesdays off work and than nights on Wednesdays. It’s going to take awhile to get used to and my body is already tired from what’s been going on so far so I don’t know how it’ll all pan out but a nap will be in the making. I just feel beautiful, as I’m finally getting my shit together again. So far I’ve worked 65 hours at this new job which is basically all going on one paycheck. It’s $655 but with Union fees and taxes it’ll be $500+. I can finally get to saving up again and buying everything I want, I also have a chance with a boy and stuff like that so more and more puzzle pieces are falling into place. I just have to keep moving forward with all the other shit pulling me down.

I love this uniform, so comfortable and professional. So far, I still enjoy my job. Safeway is definitely a great place to be. I love the people I work with and although I’m rather nervous about closing shifts, I have alot of them coming up and I’ll get the hang of it soon enough. I think being laid off and losing a perfectly good job has made me more thankful for this one because it took me 8months to get it. I love the drive there, I love the people there, the uniform, and so what if I have to stay till midnight all the time? I don’t sleep early anyways. I’m lucky, and I can’t lose sight of that with the frustration of closing shifts. I got this.

Life is full of surprises.

Photo of me, by me.

I kinda smell like a grease pit but hopefully I get the hang of closings soon.

So here’s the update, pretty much I woke up this afternoon at noon and chilled about in pajamas till I showered. I made my lunch and got all ready and nearly fell asleep on the couch, I watched pieces of two movies, talked to my sister and drove myself to work. When I got there we started training for closing which wasn’t too bad but will definitely take some practice. For the closing shifts somebody stays till 8, somebody stays till 10 and the closer is there for 2 hours by themselves to stay till midnight. There is alot of cleaning involved which is totally okay with me once I fully understand how to take apart and assemble all the machines. I have two closings next week where I’ll be on my own, so I mean, after one training shift that made no sense and went too fast it’s gonna be tough. I’m kinda stressed out about it but not really at the same time cause everybody knows how new I am and they’ll do what they can before they leave. Also, I ain’t alone with being new so it’s not like I can’t compare stories with other co-workers. Everything is gonna be fine I just wanna get used to it as fast as possible, however, this does leave room for mistakes. That’s how you learn. Anywho, the shift was slow and boring and since we had four people closing there wasn’t much to do.