Every. single. night. I expect you on roller-blades with two cherry blossoms in the palm of your hand, waiting at the foot of my concrete driveway to apologize. I see your invisible figure outside my window as my eyes search for you, back and forth, left to right. Every. single. night. I sit in my bedroom and I stare down onto the empty light-less road and expect to see your presence, and than I remember that it was all just a lie.
-ML

Paradise l o s t

Every time I witness the rain bleeding off my neighbors roof, I remember The Last Song. That flashback reminds me that no matter what you have to be strong through the rain. And although it was just a made-up novel that got turned into a movie, it gives me hope. It provides me with the idea that maybe, maybe after the rain is gone, somebody will come and make you smile. Somebody will make the clouds vanish for a little while and you’ll be able to breathe again. So be happy for the rain, because it’s the reason your smile matters so much when it’s gone.

Everything is such an ugly blur of motionless feelings and devoured thoughts.

My life went so fast from happiness and settled in comfort to a turn of loneliness and desperately reaching out for somebody’s hand. I am stronger now, yes. I am more outgoing and have been enjoying smiles and laughs among friends but yet there is this whole other side on those cloudy, rainy afternoons. It’s so odd, like a floating leaf with a resting pebble simply waiting to sink. I lost my boyfriend, bestfriend and a few other friends somewhere in there and I just cannot fathom all the goodbyes. A part of me has become numb to it and my trust is lost with everybody else in the moment, it seems everything I say gets blurted out somewhere and It’s just annoying nonsense I can’t speak of. I go out and dance at parties and that’s my favorite place to be, the movement of my body and the curves of my hips all twirled up into a medicine that could cure the threat of tears. The site of me looks average, but my insides are burning up into ash and soon enough I won’t have enough room to hide the pain. I believe that the only cure for heartache is love so until than I’ll have as much fun as I can with my friends or dancing to my favorite song or having a few coolers. Life is beautiful but I really wish Summer would glisten the skies with a pinch more sunshine.

“I don’t think I’ll ever stop believing in the Power of Love.”
— ML

“It’s about having the courage to step back and face the truth.”
— ML

Well it’s about 8 months till I leave for Oahu, one of the Hawaiian islands. Honolulu is where I’ll be settling in for 10 days and it’s going to be precious!

It’s the act of love, the act of caring, the act of sensitivity… it’s the act of realizing that somebody else is more important to you than yourself.

“Somebody will always judge and put a label on you, but as long as you accept and love yourself, than none of that matters.”
— ML

“Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience.”
— Paulo Coelho

I honestly can’t wait till the day I get married and know that the man I love will never leave me. I cant wait to have a little baby and love it with everything I have. I can’t wait to grow old and be surrounded by so much comfort, love and care. I wish for that day, but until than, I’ll smile in the present.

Sometimes you have to allow yourself to drift away until somebody reaches out for your hand, and sometimes you just have to walk the path alone.”
— ML

Everything is just so dead, it’s so dead and decayed and left to the side. Someday, I’ll bury it all.”
— ML

Sometimes it just hits you and other times it just slips on by.

Break-ups, yes you probably all know I have had one recently. June 4th -__- cause I remember these things. As it seems, at times it makes you cry and breakdown and really feel it and other times you just kinda “meh” on by. The thing I thought about today was how much I got from that relationship, not necessarily because it was a relationship but just the things that come from a strong bond. He likes drinking tea so next thing I know I’m trying out tea and than I fall in love with Chai Tea. He likes watching Hockey so I end up watching all of the final games and cheering on the Canucks in a jersey at Boston Pizza even after he broke it off. I find myself downloading TV series and listening to Dead by April. I find myself more confident because of how he saw me and how we were intimate together. I find myself… I find myself reliving the memories and attempting to cherish every morsel of good that came from it. However, knowing everything and knowing who he is and how we were, it also defines how angry it makes me that he has already moved on. It’s just so sad, because I know exactly how he is going to make her feel and I still wish it were me.

“I feel like this is all one big joke, some nightmare I can’t wake up from. I don’t feel like this could actually be happening to me, again. This is so wrong.”
— ML

A tender goodbye kiss is perfection, it’s simple, honest and memorable. It’s the gentlemen’s act and the charming man’s bounty… it’s beautiful.

“I’m a love-struck fourteen year old girl again, I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight. I must be far to lucky for this to be the same tomorrow morning, so I think I’ll embrace every itty bitty ounce of it tonight because I don’t want it to end. Today, I met a boy.”
— ML

Being a dreamer...

it never gets boring, old or dull. Sometimes it’s unsatisfying when you get lost in fairytales and end up with a one night stand or expect a superhero and end up with a scared little boy. Sometimes it’s too good to be true and than your mind scrambles to picture something EVEN BETTER than something to good to be true which always ends up in disappointment. Other times its literally nothing and you try to put puzzle pieces together to make it a masterpiece which ends in heartbreak. Being a dreamer can be one of the most painful things but it ends being so pretty, happy, and magical in so many more ways than the shock of shattered wishes. I don’t think I could ever stop being a dreamer, to kiss a boy and than think of an entire Summer together, why wouldn’t you? Yes, I could wake up tomorrow and realize he just wanted me for that night or that he isn’t thinking about me anymore because I left or that he never cared in the first place or something but TONIGHT, tonight I met a boy and we talked for hours and when I left he gave me a kiss goodnight and said he wanted to see me again. So TONIGHT I’ll sit at home like a happy little schoolgirl and dream about a Summer with this boy that is gorgeous and funny and charming. TONIGHT I’ll dream big because even if it’s not true in the morning or it stings a little, atleast tonight the essence is alive and a story will be told tomorrow.

I LOVE COLLEGE:

Alright so finally chose some courses for when I attend Douglas College in the Fall semester. I have my fine choices of Criminology, Sociology, English, Woman’s Studies, and Psychology courses. I hope to find an understanding with humanity and what it means to be human and I hope my knowledge of why people do things and how to express my feelings can guide me to someday be somebody important. I wish to somehow help the police department or pick up a stranger with simple words of wisdom. I hope to somehow reflect upon society with hope and understanding, but I am not exactly sure where I’ll be ending up in the future for I do not know how to answer the big question. “What do you want to be when your older?” Cause in all honesty I still just wanna be a superhero :)

I love good quotes!

“Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.”
— Henry Rollins

“Sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes it feels real good.”
— Henry Rollins


“Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.”
— Henry Rollins

THIS IS WHO I AM, THIS IS ME!

I am the one that will say sorry even if I don’t have to so I’ll send messages to the people I need to and get it off my conscious. I deserve amazing friends and a loving boyfriend and if that means that more people need to walk away than fine but I’ll tell the truth and I’ll say my apologies. This is who I am and this is where I stand.

HAPPY FATHERS DAY DADDY !

Dad! Another amazing day to cherish the moments that have made me who I am; you appear in most of the important ones and are a huge part of my success. See, here’s the story most of my friends get told. *** I don’t know guys, my dad just told me somewhere after Grade 8 that “school is your job and you have to do the best that you can.” It seems just that one sentence landed me the four honor rolls after Grade 8, but words don’t mean anything unless you respect the man behind them and you are highly respected in my books and my heart, I see what you do and I hope to honor your name. You’ve always been my hero. I love you.
________________________________________________________

The likes of my Father’s Day card <3

Love and Other Drugs was an adorable movie with this amazing quote that I added onto,

Somebody will find you one day, crash into you, smile at you, or maybe just walk up and kiss you. In that moment you will either realize it or you will continue to go through a train-wreck of situations and realize it later, but at some point in your beautiful existence somebody will put their hand over your heart and their ear to your soul and they will completely and utterly love you. Keep your strength and patience and wait, I believe that somebody is going to change your life someday.

“There is one hell of an amazing man out there and he doesn’t even know it yet but one day he is going to fall in love with me and be my soul-mate. My man is out there somewhere and I can’t wait till I crash into him.”
— ML

No Strings Attached was a really fantastic movie. The love story that never started out as anything special with so many walls built between the idea of it every turning out; fucking castles of doubt. The love story with the idea of failure before the ideal turnout. I’ve had something like this and I was just like that girl, just not wanting an attachment after getting hurt by a boy. It really does so much damage to a man who thinks he can have you if he pursues you enough, it’s sad and terrifying. I lived this out and we were happy for a little while until he couldn’t forget what I had done before choosing him, this movie made me cry but it also made me realize that sometimes you have to hurt and be strong alone before you can engage in something truly beautiful. The power of memories is amazing.

“A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.”
— Josh Billings

My thoughts about Graduation,

I can say I have never laughed so much in one night, or that sumo wrestling takes alot of force, or even that inflatable rooms can be quite dangerous. I can say that people are rather hilarious when they go all out during hypnotism or that it’s really hard to dance when your overheated. I can say that my heart is strained at even the slightest glimpse of you or that I cannot believe the amazing people that surround me today. I can mention that my thumb is swollen or that I’m starving or maybe that my heart is starving for something more. I can say that today I smiled and they were real smiles or that I expected more from Grad dancing than tears on a small white chair. I can whisper the essence of love through the Grad song of choice or restrain my heart to egotistical proportions. I can say that my good friend cried next to me during the ceremony or that hundreds of people stood up just for us. This was Grad, this was a day full of emotion and yet I don’t know how I feel. I wish I could still be smiling now for a photo or laughing so hard tears build up in my eyes and gently fall within the embrace of happiness, I wish I knew. However, “I wish I knew” is also something I have in common with the rest of the world… so what does it all mean?

SUFFOCATION:

The anger is spitting on my heart and puncturing my soul, it’s so dense and lost upon consciousness. It’s wave of mass efforts splitting upon my thoughts and desires, my weakling ways and my trickling treasures. I wish, if anything, I could be at peace. Among everything seeping into my soul, through the rocks and barriers and barriers, I feel a light touch embrace my tender transformation. An embrace of life, and as a gentle embrace can calm a cascading mountain or a sickened ocean wave, it can linger among your aura and make you feel… strong.

I am so in love with Ashton Kutcher ...

because it seems that he plays all the right characters, every sentence and every look just makes you want him even more. No Strings Attached, Valentines Day, Whatever Happens in Vegas, Killers, and Just Married. SO GOOD! “One day” is my favorite line to say when situations like this happen because “one day” I wanna meet a man like this.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

Alrighty than! Seasons 1-10 downloading now, I can't wait! It will be the best marathon ever and it's exactly what I need right now.

THE SCRIPT:

I heard the song “for the first time” on the radio and found a great liking towards it and ended up on Youtube time after time and than I realized they also sang “breakeven” and than I found “the man who can’t be moved” and it’s now my favorite song right now. I love these guys! And the singer reminds me of Misha Collins from the show Supernatural that plays on the CW and he plays an Angel and he is intense but anyways… I love this guys voice and lyrics and I think he is an excellent new artist that sings about stuff that matters and isn’t just some beat and random repeated lyrics. I respect him as an artist, and the feel he gives off is almost like Micheal Buble so I hope to hear some more. I’m liking them, so maybe a CD, good stuff.

Kindness:

is still one of the most important things around.

There are many secrets to one woman, but many woman only need to keep one secret. -ML

Men and Woman can both be amazing partners, couples, husbands and wives. It depends on your lifestyle, it depends on your expectations, it depends on the timing… but at the same time, none of that matters. When you really truly care about somebody than what Nicholas Sparks wrote rings true, maybe not everyday, maybe he’ll forget and you’ll fight and things will go wrong but in the end, your knight in shining armor is just the man that falls for you back. Words, actions, and planning… nahh, the look says it all. I think girls get their expectations up so high about men because of these love stories and movies, however, I don’t think they are wrong or stupid for thinking so. Men can also have expectations and want more of us, it can go both ways it just seems that woman are more subjected to it. It’s all in the opinion but their is no harm in being a dreamer, no harm in watching romances and wanting one for your own, it’s why we live. Never give up on your prince charming, because I do believe one exists for everybody, they might not be what you expected but I doubt you’ll be disappointed.

Completely and utterly without a map; Lost.

The road darkens as the sunshine replenishes itself behind the mountains and the moon glows upon the many shattered stars, still shining, still awaiting the perfect wish. Trees smeared into black shadows trail the sides of concrete as their roots crack into sudden dips and potholes, fighting to gulp the last of the puddles water. Water rippling out like magic as small pebbles attempt to anchor themselves and end up getting spat out behind the tires to drown amongst hollow screams. Raindrops attacking the windshield as they pool up and drain down like tears from broken hearted teenagers and lost puppies. This midnight road, this black path. The timing so in-sync, so connected and so weary with my thoughts; scrambled. Windows rolled up as a breath of air being exhaled soon became a cloud of shivers and the chill crawled all down the seatbelt. A quick turn into the darkness and the headlights beamed on fog, an entire layer of smoldering heat, a low laying cloud of ash, a smoke barricade. The road to home was blocked by fire, flames as high as two story buildings and as thick as wool. Flames gasping to inhale every inch of oxygen to digest into a larger demon, a small town demolished by hell. The car, moving to fast, became light feathers of bones and flesh as they sunk off the cliff and buried themselves beneath natures corpse. This night, this hour, this was the end of this road.