“Don’t be afraid to fall in love. It’s the only thing that matters in life.” -Kelly Canter [Country Strong]

Tomorrow is so exciting, and next Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday… this is fucking awesome! :D

Memories

The happy memories that vanish, are always worse than the cruel ones you have to forget. Cause the happy ones linger whenever you see the person that caused them, and even if they aren’t the root of your happiness anymore, you never forget. Happy memories provide an excuse when those characters pierce you with pain, sadness and regret. It’s the happy memories that inject you with a disease that can’t be cleansed with a cure. It’s the happy memories that need to be replaced, that need to be improved, that need to last forever and return everyday with the same person instead of corrupting relationships and ideals. It’s the happy memories that keep us holding on.

Well that was a wonderful evening :)

I shall call it a date. It was a date. Yeah. Anyways pretty much in summary I got to meet this guy today that I had been thinking of for a bit over a month to be honest. I was all worried about being disappointed or not enjoying myself or being nervous that I wasn’t really prepared for it turning out nicely. Anywho… he is rather cute, tall, and thick, and I like that. He paid for me when we went ice skating with my friends Caitlyn and James… which is how I met him. He is my friend’s bestie kinda thing. So yeah but he paid and we ended up holding hands while skating cause I was horrific for awhile there… but yeah he helped and James and Caitlyn also taught me and I quite enjoyed myself. Later we went back to his place and ate some popcorn and talked before I drove home but it was great. I hugged him before I left and I was just happy, happiness that takes over instead of just suffocating as a smile. I had the widest grin on the way home and now I’m even more exited for my birthday weekend on the Sunshine Coast. His name is Thomas, and I think I like him.

Last night felt like a movie, it felt like Serendipity.

I feel like I’m getting ahead of myself here but that’s always what I do… I suppose I’ll mellow out later but tonight feels like a dream. It feels comfortable and fun, it feels as though I’ll remember this day and look forward to another. Tonight I smiled, the wide kinda smile that you can’t even hide cause your cheeks get red and you just laugh and smile when somebody looks at you kinda smile, I smiled out of pure happiness and excitement.

It seems I'm understanding life more and more with each new day that appears aside the sunset.

I’m understanding friends and what friends are for… I mean that’s rather sad when it took me till College to realize what friends are supposed to do. I suppose I just had some bad friends, some bad boyfriends and my heart got crushed and I thought it was normal. That’s just sad. However, lately I’m realizing more and more that friends are supposed to be there for you. You should be able to trust your friends to catch you when you fall, keep secrets, teach you new things and help you out even when you don’t ask. It makes me so happy that my friend Kyle has been helping me with English homework and offers to comeover when I’m sick. My friend Amy has been helping me with Woman’s Studies, gave me free booze and buys me Tims every now and than. My friend Bronwyn helped edit some homework and I know she would be there for me if I asked, because she has. Caitlyn was so patient with me today when I was flipping out about directions so she gave me the easiest ones she could think of and I arrived at my destination just fine and I am so grateful for that cause if I wasn’t confident in driving there I wouldn’t have gone… and tonight seemed like it was the beginning of something, something special. Maybe? I realized a week ago that my friend Diana and I have gotten through so many fights and we are so close and Rachel is so empathetic and even Dustin I consider to be a great friend of mine. I’m happy because my life isn’t going to be all happy and energetic but yet… lately I keep getting a better grasp on what matters in life and honestly it seems that was James because he made me realize I was important and what friends are for so than I tried understanding it and realized that it’s okay for me to tell my friends what I need to be comfortable. I made sure I had good directions, I made sure I asked for help for my homework and stuff like that… stuff I wouldn’t normally do. I guess it’s just life and you need to discover things at your own pace, it’s sad it took me so long to put the pieces together but it seems the puzzle pieces are appearing one at a time.

I considered tonight a date and I'd go on a second :)

*After going skating with some friends and a new boy*
Caitlyn: Well I had fun.
James: So did I. What about you Megan, did you have fun?
Me: Yeah *massive smile*
Caitlyn: Haha awh.
James: So do you like him?
Me: Yeah.
James: Here comes the twenty questions.
Me: Did he say anything about me?
James: He said you were absolutely gorgeous.
Me: Really? :) When?
James: While we were skating :)
Me: *massive smile*

My Reflection on Woman's Studies 1100:

This course as a whole was very informative. This course provides the information you need to empower yourself and others, a course about female struggles in history and why we are the way we are. Personally I have always been afraid of big groups of men, there is something about the group complexion where if one person gets something going the rest will follow that has always made me tremble. Recently I have been telling my friends that I am a Feminist and just finishing the article “Why I’m a Feminist” written by Lauren Anderson backs me up with my decision, and I find it quite comforting. There is something so soothing about this course, the material is scary, complex, and statistically and emotionally based and yet I find a comfort within it all. The classroom complexity of women and few men is space to breathe, I love the men in the class and I automatically respect them and find trust in the simple fact that they chose, on their own, to sit down and be informed. Feminism is such a scattered topic because people are not united in the definition, but my definition is that you are a Feminist if you stand against domestic abuse, discrimination, animal abuse, and oppression in any and every scenario. Woman’s Studies as a course should be rather mandatory, if men could see that women are not just sitting in a classroom crying and arguing over the hatred, maybe they would open their eyes to the damage that is done to the female gender on a daily basis. My own consciousness is more aware, eyes open and heart open, to everything that goes on around me. I no longer hate other women just because of their looks or something they might have said. I now feel I have lingered into an overall understanding of why the female gender feels the need to guard themselves every second of everyday. The biggest part of my reflection are the statistics, hardcore, organized information that highlights are the pain and sorrow that flutters around the lives of women. Sometimes it takes physical evidence to even start suspicion, but physical evidence shouldn’t be needed in courtrooms. Women are abused just because they are women and this is so disgusting and rather “slave-like.” The female gender and all of it’s different cultures and generations should not be subject to abuse simply because we don’t have a penis. What if everybody thought that way? What if everybody took this course and opened their eyes? I wonder if people would act differently at parties, I wonder if men would respect their girlfriends more. I wonder if society would look in the mirror and realize how disgusting the law is when it doesn’t prevent violence against women. I just wonder if everything could change simply because of statistics and realizing what they mean, each individual stat, I think it could. I honestly think more people would change if they were informed of everything that occurs against women every day. That maybe if we could convince men of what the women’s perspective looks like nowadays, they wouldn’t want to open their eyes and follow through. I wonder if men could handle it, but with all that muscle and build, I don’t think they would stand a chance. Men need to open their eyes and women need to do everything in their power to get men to inform men. If gender is supposed to stand together, then men who understand need to inform others. Feminism is not as complex of a subject as people believe it to be and Feminists are regular people striving for a better world. Stand together, stand strong, stand forever.

Meanwhile, deep in Megan's body, an Ulcer was growing.

I am stressed to the max and there is no time for proper relief.

Life is a frustrating entity of constant change. However, the imprints other people can make on us during a thirty minute discussion are endless.

It’s how you feel during the race, not the medal you get at the end.

The real struggles in life cannot be graded on a piece of paper.

Next week, bite me.

1) Mass Woman’s Studies project due
2) 4-page Psychology paper due
3) Academic Writing paper due
4) Woman’s Studies questions due
5) Psychology Midterm
6) Study for Woman’s Studies final exam
7) Study for Psychology final exam
8) Study for Academic Writing final exam
9) Choose courses for next semester
10) Start my new job at Winners

Keep in mind I get headaches everyday and my back is a rock and I’m a few hundred dollars in debt. I've been trying to plan my birthday for a month now but everybody wants to bring guests and few actually wanna celebrate for my birthday. This is too much on my plate and I just wanna sleep through all of it.

I can't fucking stand this pain anymore.

These headaches everyday hurt so much and I can’t even explain it anymore, it just really fucking hurts and maxing out on Advil doesn’t take it away. Little sleep for a few days and I feel like utter shit and I get sick, that’s happened too. I’m just a lump of uncomfortable feelings with a wagon of stress tied behind me. How the fuck am I expected to do College, work and homework with all this pain? It really hurts. Scream or cry? It’s the same shit tomorrow.

I know, I know.

I know it gets better and I also know that takes time. This wound will eventually heal, leaving a scar and injecting strength, and I’ll become stronger than ever.

I wish I healed faster.

I have a cut on my right ankle from shaving, it hurts. My opposite ring finger nail and my thumbnail, both are ripped into my nail-bed and throb everyday. Headaches continue everyday and tense everywhere to the point where my chiropractor kept asking repeatedly about school. Truth is, it’s everything. I have a knot in my neck and my back is a rock. I’m falling apart.

It's the little things.

Kyle: Alright I gotta start walking M&M :)
Me: Hahaha
Kyle: That's my nickname for you.
Me: Okay :D

The search for Love: It’s not corny, cheesy, or pathetic. It’s reality.

I think you can make your own movie relationship, all you see in the movies is two hours… that’s nothing compared to a lifetime :)

Happy Birthday Amy!

Happy Birthday to my loving sister that has continually listened to all my crap for 17years. She is now 22 and a gorgeous 22 I must say. She is amazing when it comes to running this Horse Rescue, staying on track with school, going to work and still making time for her friends. She’s not kidding when she wears a Wonder Woman costume for Halloween, but she is more than that. She’s my loving sister that I will forever love and be grateful for. Happy Birthday Amy!

“It hurts to know that no matter who you are, you can be reduced to a thing to be penetrated, and that men will buy movies about that, and that in many of those movies your humiliation will be the central theme.”
- Robert Jensen [A Cruel Edge: the painful truth about today’s pornography]

I just can’t accept it, it’s been months and I haven’t accepted any of it.

When I love somebody, when I call somebody my best-friend, when I get into a relationship, it sticks. My feelings are never fake, they linger months afterwards and torture me and there is nothing I can do about it. I can only sit up late at night and feel it, all my myself, wiping away my own tears. It’s only me, this is why I feel so alone. It’s only me, late at night, sobbing over people I would have given up my life for.

PIERCINGS!

I’d rather have a craving for food than pain and metal but what can ya do?

NEVEREST

So I love their album “About Us” because their voices are beautiful and somewhat a boy band and I like that sorta thing. “Blame Me” is one of my favorites and of course “About us” and “Everything”, just beautiful. These guys seem to have the right morals and somewhat alike my emotions, it’s calming. “Blame Me” looks like a new favorite but that’s just cause it works for me. It explains how I seem to appear as the bad guy when really I care and than it becomes too hard and I gotta freeze up and protect myself. I become bitter because it’s all I know, I guess it just takes some special people to really understand how I am… even if I’m not completely sure yet. I need a chance, because I will explain myself eventually if you ask but otherwise, I just bundle up into a heavyweight champ of disappointment. This song is wonderful.

I don’t want to get invited to plans that won’t happen anymore. It hurts

Loneliness is lethal.

The feeling of loneliness is lethal, slaughtering my dreams of entrapping the qualities of a soldier. This feeling of brutal darkness, this echo of lost hope, this cage of memories. I wish I were stronger, I wish I could see muscles to ensure my strength was real, true, pure. I have only encased myself in a lead box where I cannot be seen by Superman. I have to fight this, fight this battle all alone. I wish I were stronger. If only I was just a little bit stronger.

It’s better to light a candle in the dark, then fear not being able to turn the lights on.

FEAR:

Darkness, the shadow invading the night. This starless sky, shade of black, an even cloud that always lingers on back. Evil, space-less fog, unraveling upon the city with only blackouts in sight. Demons swimming through the streets with swelling urges of chaos, tears, and fright. A symbol of the nightmare, the reason we keep on the light.

One day, the human race is going to turn on itself.

Me: "IUCN said Thursday that a quarter of all mammals are at risk of extinction, according to its updated Red List of endangered species."

Alyssa: Not cool!

Me: Not at all, but you're adopting a sea lion for me and that counts. That's donating to this cause, this is what the WWF tries to prevent but they need help. My friend Amy said she is adopting a Polar Bear and that's fucking awesome! It may seem small but when you get enough people to do it, it stands for something.

Facebook status: kudos to Megan Lizee for this. save the polar bears ♥

Me: Man I'm so happy your thinking of adopting one!

Amy: ‎:D I looked at it and I'm still deciding
which one, but I'm definitely doing it!

Me: AWH THAT IS AMAZING! :D :D :D

Amy: :D

Tomorrow the whole world will be wishing for happiness.

The hope always returns.

I feel like I can’t keep anything good, everything just fades away or I walk. It’s as if I lost so many people that were important to me that I tried to fill the gap with work and I ended up losing that too. Only now do I find myself visiting the chances of friendship once again, only now am I debating looking for another lover. Only now, am I beginning to see a hopeful future again. Everything is stripped of me and all these tears make it seem as if this won’t last for long, but as long as you can see a shred of sunshine behind the trees… you’ll know it’s there forever.

I got an interview at Winners on Sunday, hopefully this goes well.

Tomorrow we all wish for something... I guess I'm debating that tonight.

In a sense the one thing I’ve always wanted to have is a relationship as tight as brothers. I don’t just want best-friends anymore, best-friends leave. However, boys don’t just desert each-other over fights, big or small. If anything, I’m jealous of men’s relationships with one another. I think that if women had that strong of a relationship, then they would be stronger individuals. Feminism wouldn’t be so scary and Woman’s Rights would be moving along alot faster, but women are not only fighting against a government full of masculinity, they are also fighting against their own.

I am a Feminist! Well, maybe I am?

I look at Feminism as an army standing against oppression. I think that if you stand against racism, animal cruelty, domestic abuse, woman not being treated as equals, and the horrific ways homosexuals are treated, you are a feminist. This semester I’ve been taking a Woman’s Studies course and it’s really opened my eyes to all the issues, hidden and public, that deal with oppression. I agree that Feminism works because most of these issues deal with the cruelty against women, but that doesn’t mean it only stands for that. Even just in the small two months I’ve been taking this course I have been ridiculed for it, I have had people laugh and say “why would you take such a thing, that’s not gonna get you anywhere.” I think people are rather ridiculous with these close minded views that Feminists are “man-haters.” Fuck you! I love men, I love the power they have and how soft they act towards women when they care about them. I love the assholes because it’s only human to get hurt and become bitter. I love the lazy guys that don’t know how to cook and the overachievers that run the show. What I don’t agree with, are the men that beat their wives, are the men that scare their children, the men that ignore their families in order to be rich. I hate very specific types of men. Woman’s Studies did not alienate me to do anything, it only provided the information they don’t teach on a daily basis. I love this course and I don’t think people should be afraid of calling themselves a Feminist. Men can be Feminist, they can stand for that if they believe what it stands for. If you stand against oppression and dream of equality, you can state what you are, it’s okay. This word has so much baggage to so many people, as a “man-hating” or a “feminazi.” I just don’t understand why our society is so close minded that even just taking a course to learn about your history, you get ridiculed. What’s the difference between being black and wanting to know your history and being a women and wanting to know your history? Most Feminists are just like me, they believe what they believe and it happens to fall under a label or stereotype. I just hope you guys won’t ridicule every man or women that decides they don’t care what baggage the word Feminist has. Feminism stands for alot more than you think, and unless you have the facts I hope you have enough respect to listen.

This is not just my world, this is our world.

When you ignore me you are ignoring what I stand for. You are not only ignoring what’s really important in my life but your ignoring how I feel. I say you should adopt, put some money towards conservation, and you say you don’t want to. You say it’s my thing, but you don’t realize this is not just my world, this is also your world. This is our world and I need more people to stand beside me, more people to stand with me. I need you. I need all of you. Now will you stand beside me? Will you hold my hand? Will you carry on what I am trying to start here? I’m only asking you for one thing, please adopt. http://www.worldwildlife.org/gift-center/gifts/Species-Adoptions.aspx. I have adopted a Giraffe, a Humpback Whale, and partially paid for a Polar Bear for my friends birthday. I have donated $100 so far towards the World Wildlife Fund [WWF] and for Christmas I’ll be getting a Polar Bear from my Aunt which means another $25 or $50 donated and than I’ll be adopted myself a Sea Lion and a Turtle which is another $50 donated. I have also adopted Killer Whales through the Vancouver Aquarium who are also trying to save our oceans from PCB chemicals and pollution. I have donated $195 to that and my friends donated $60 when they adopted me a whale. So far I have donated $295 towards our environment and these endangered species. I’m asking for your help, I will continue adopting whales and elaborating on my list from the WWF but I do need help. From the WWF, 25,000 adoptions are done each year and 85% of those are done through the Holidays. Make this year count, I’m begging you. I am so proud that Coca-Cola is donating 2 million over the course of five years, it’s not that much for them to give but neither is $25 for you to give. Every cent counts, it really does. Donate to this good cause and get your certificate and a picture. It’s beautiful. Go out and see these animals in the wild, read about what they are doing to protect our planet. We need these guys, and they need you. Thank you for reading this, and I hope you take some time out of your day to think about it. Thank you.

Some people are just so beautiful!

Last year a few of my good friends adopted me a Killer Whale through the Vancouver aquarium, and it was so appreciated that they got involved like that. This year, a few weeks ago actually, I ended up seeing that whale “Mike” while Whale Watching by the San Juan islands and it was priceless. While on that trip I also saw Sea Lions and it turns out they are endangered and now I want to adopt one through the WWF [World Wildlife Fund] and it turns out that my friend Alyssa was planning on getting me an animal from them through the adoption program for my birthday but didn’t know which one. So now she is getting me a Sea Lion. I just fucking love people like that, who understand the obvious and are willing to go that extra step to make it happen. Such beautiful, amazing people these days. She is also planning on asking for adoptions for her birthday, what a fucking gorgeous woman! Holy shit. So appreciated! Much love xoxoxo.

MASTER PLANS!

So I’m beginning to understand that alot of people just don’t care and alot of people only care about certain things. I really care about the WWF [World Wildlife Fund] and saving animals and the environment but other people care about politics and what’s happening with the Occupy Wallstreet and alot of people wanna save kids in Africa. However, even when people don’t give a shit about what I preach, people still wanna party. Those speeches at the beginning of dances saying what a great thing you are doing, nobody really cares. So I figure if I just host a dance, rent a hall and charge people enough to make a profit I can use that to raise money and awareness for the WWF campaigns. I wanna do something, I wanna help. Now I have a good way of doing this. There is this little hall I’ll be using for my birthday and if that works out with noise levels and such I can use that and charge $20 to make $800 or $10 (more reasonable) and make $400 and this money will be donated to the WWF [World Wildlife Fund]. And what I plan on doing, is in the people that show up, most won’t care but the people that do wanna adopt an animal I’ll make it so that some of that money goes towards their animal. Why not right? Give somebody a 32” stuffed animal or something, why not? This idea is brilliant! My buddy is learning how to DJ and said he would do it for free and hopefully. It really depends but either way I plan on renting a hall and making a decent profit to donate. BRAVO!

I know what I need, but it can’t be bought… so until then I’ll buy everything I possibly can to take it’s place.

This movie wasn’t as funny as I thought it was going to be but when Ronny brings out the flamethrower to light up Zip’s face, it was really fucking hilarious. I love Vince Vaughn as an actor and I believe that in person he would make a good husband, because I think to create a character you need to have some of those qualities within yourself. I’ll never know but it doesn’t mean I can’t hope all movie characters could exist :)

FIGHTER. SOLDIER. MACHINE.

Fighter- you get back up.
Soldier- you move forward.
Machine- you never stop coming back.

I wanna stand for something, stand strong, stand forever.

I really enjoyed this movie! I fell in love with the main character, I found him quite lovable and charming. Tough guy with a soft center, my favorite. Good sense of humor and stands up for people, I don’t know why you wouldn’t like him. I thought this movie was freaking cute and a well-done Western. I like Paul Gross as an actor and the outtakes at the end were hilarious!

“A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer.” -Lucius Annaeus Seneca

I'm just another teenage girl waiting on something beautiful to happen.

Even the blissful thought of a slow dance with a stranger is a piece of faith towards serendipity. My eighteenth masquerade birthday and I have the potential at meeting somebody pretty amazing. Thomas. It intrigues me to the point where for a month I’ll be creating magical scenarios until we meet and I either feel something or I don’t. However, the moment is so small and ordinary that the month before is what truly counts. The dreamer within, the breathing entity of pure, crystal, hope.

Disney Princesses are dreamers.

Pretty much all Disney Princesses are dreamers. Dreaming of being apart of our world, dreaming of leaving their tower, dreaming for something better, someone better. Princesses dream of a better place, a wonderful place, somewhere they will eventually end up. Cinderella dreamed for more than chores, and Arial dreamed for more than just the life of a mermaid and Rapunzel dreamed of adventure. They were all dreamers, so if you’re a dreamer, than you’re royalty in the world of Disney.

Them indie kids just wanna be like superman with those huge fake glasses they wear. It’s jealousy not individualism :D

I bought a 24 case of the white canned Coca-Cola and got myself a little TY beanie baby that’s named Cotton. For Christmas I’ll be adopting one of these cute little guys and I hope you all do too, or at-least buy some white coke cans and spread the word. http://www.worldwildlife.org. Photo taken by me.

Adopt a polar bear, makes a perfect Christmas gift. http://www.worldwildlife.org. Photo taken by me, this is Cotton with the new Coca-cola can :)

Save the polar bears! Purchase some white Coca-cola cans or the 2 liter ones with the polar bears on it. It’s almost the weekend so you’ll need drinks. Represent! This animal might be our new Canadian animal cause nobody seems to want Beavers anymore… but for that to happen they can’t be drowning in their natural habitat. Support. http://www.worldwildlife.org. Photo is by me and this is my new beanie baby named Cotton.

It’s kinda cute when my puppy keeps my mom up till 2am cause he won’t just go to sleep unless I’m there. That’s frustrating, but rather cute :)

I am so happy with my fridge right now...

cause it’s finally full again and I’m excited to eat tomorrow. I have my grapes, apples, soy protein vanilla chai shake thing, soy milk [chocolate and vanilla], mini ice cream cups, honey roasted peanuts, frozen blueberries, vanilla yogurt granola bars, mandarin oranges and my white polar-bear 24case of coca cola. Life is good. I fucking love having all my fruit to eat and healthy bars and stuff, I just feel better about life when I eat better and I can’t wait to move out and only buy that shit. I don’t want cookies laying around my house and stuff, I just don’t. I want low-fat, light everything. Why not? I wanna eat more at home and enjoy it, fruit is the best thing ever and if I had a fruit platter in my fridge and a beautiful rainbow of juicy color was in my face whenever I opened it I wouldn’t go for a bit of a cinnamon bun cause I just wouldn’t care. I’d rather eat as many grapes as I want than one chocolate bar, it’s as simple as that. You feel good and you can eat more cause the calories are vitamins, and therefore the calories are needed. Breakfast tomorrow, lunch tomorrow… holy man it’s gonna be delightful!

Out-of-Body Image by Caroline Heldman

On a typical day, you might see ads featuring a naked woman’s body tempting viewers to buy an electronic organizer, partially exposed women’s breasts being used to sell fishing line, and a woman’s rear—wearing only a thong—being used to pitch a new running shoe. Meanwhile, on every newsstand, impossibly slim (and digitally airbrushed) cover “girls” adorn a slew of magazines. With each image, you’re hit with a simple, subliminal message: Girls’ and women’s bodies are objects for others to visually consume.

If such images seem more ubiquitous than ever, it’s because U.S. residents are now exposed to 3,000 advertisements a day—as many per year as those living a half century ago would have seen in a lifetime. The Internet accounts for much of this growth, and young people are particularly exposed to advertising: 70 percent of 15- to 34-year-olds use social networking technologies such as MySpace and Facebook, which allow advertisers to infiltrate previously private communication space.

A steady diet of exploitative, sexually provocative depictions of women feeds a poisonous trend in women’s and girl’s perceptions of their bodies, one that has recently been recognized by social scientists as self-objectification—viewing one’s body as a sex object to be consumed by the male gaze. Like W.E.B. DuBois’ famous description of the experience of black Americans, self-objectification is a state of “double consciousness … a sense of always looking at one’s self through the eyes of others.”

Researchers have learned a lot about self-objectification since the term was coined in 1997 by University of Michigan psychology professor Barbara Fredrickson and Colorado College psychology professor Tomi-Ann Roberts. Numerous studies since then have shown that girls and women who self-objectify are more prone to depression and low self-esteem and have less faith in their own capabilities, which can lead to diminished success in life. They are more likely to engage in “habitual body monitoring”—constantly thinking about how their bodies appear to the outside world—which puts them at higher risk for eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia.

Self-objectification has also been repeatedly shown to sap cognitive functioning, because of all the attention devoted to body monitoring. For instance, a recent study by Yale psychologists asked two groups of women to take a math exam—one group in swimsuits, the other in sweaters. The swimsuit-wearers, distracted by body concerns, performed significantly worse than their peers in sweaters.

Fredrickson, along with Michigan communications professor Kristen Harrison (both work within the university’s Institute for Research on Women and Gender), recently discovered that self-objectification actually impairs girls’ motor skills. Their study of 202 girls, ages 10 to 17, found that self-objectification impeded girls’ ability to throw a softball, even after differences in age and prior experience were factored out. Self-objectification forced girls to split their attention between how their bodies looked and what they wanted them to do, resulting in less forceful throws and worse aim.

One of the more stunning effects of self-objectification is its impact on sex. One young woman I interviewed described sex as being an “out of body” experience during which she viewed herself through the eyes of her lover, and, sometimes, through the imaginary lens of a camera shooting a porn film. As a constant critic of her body, she couldn’t focus on her own sexual pleasure.

Self-objectification isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. So what can we do about it? First, we can recognize how our everyday actions feed the larger beast, and realize that we are not powerless. Mass media, the primary peddler of female bodies, can be assailed with millions of little consumer swords. We can boycott companies and engage in other forms of consumer activism, such as socially conscious investments and shareholder actions. We can also contact companies directly to voice our concerns and refuse to patronize businesses that overtly depict women as sex objects.

What would disappear from our lives if we stopped seeing ourselves as objects? Painful high heels? Body hatred? Constant dieting? Liposuction? It’s hard to know. Perhaps the most striking outcome of self-objectification is the difficulty women have in imagining identities and sexualities truly our own. In solidarity, we can start on this path, however confusing and difficult it may be.

CAROLINE HELDMAN, Ph.D, is an assistant professor of politics at Occidental College in Los Angeles. Her work centers primarily on issues of gender and race.

(The full text of this article appears in the Spring issue of Ms. magazine, available on newsstands and by subscription from www.msmagazine.com.)

Flipped.

When he painted that tree for her, I fucking cried. THAT WAS THE CUTEST THING EVER! People need to understand what’s important to other people because when they do is the prettiest thing in the world, it’s amazing. And at the end when Bryce plants her another tree, that made me cry too. I think if anything, the world just needs to be understood. People need to understand their neighbors, their friends, their classmates… the nature surrounding it all. She is was in-tune with the sight of the sunset and the feel of the tree and they cut it down. This moment was just so beautiful when he gave her back a piece of what she had lost, he gave her back the beauty so she could still look at it everyday. BEST MOVIE FATHER EVER. So precious.

MY WANT LIST: BIRTHDAY/CHRISTMAS/DAILY.

Clothes
-skinny jeans [nice high waist, maybe jegging material]
-sexy matching pairs of underwear [yes, la vien rose and such]
-high-top skater shoes [the expensive DC kind I think]
-leather-ish jacket [with hoodie material at wrists and deep pockets]
-SeaShepherd jolly roger full zip sweatshirt [online]
-SeaShepherd long-sleeve shoulder shirt [online]
-American Eagle hoodie [it's $40 and I want it]
-WWF shirt, long-sleeve white one [online]

Random
-laptop cover [still unsure]
-bed covers [comforter style, still not sure what I want on them]
-left ear piercing [still unsure of where]
-new studs [7 different studs, nice quality]

*I want my desk and dresser newly painted*

BOOK LIST
The Guardian written by Nicholas Sparks
A Bend in the Road written by Nicholas Sparks
Looking for Alaska written by John Green
Paper Towns written by John Green
An abundance of Katherines written by John Green

ANIMAL ADOPTIONS FEAT. WWF
Polar Bear
Sea Lion
Turtle
Whale Shark
Grizzly Bear


[Hell yes, my birthday is December 15th and Christmas is just around the corner. I gotta get my list straight so I can tell people what I want. I can't wait!]

People have such distinct characteristics,

and when they’re gone they leave you with endless ways of remembering them. Like if they really like pudding and you’re in the pudding isle of a grocery store or they always wear specific clothes and then you go shopping and see them everywhere. I wonder what people would remember me for.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rWP1O3HbAs&feature=player_embedded

I love stories like this, I don’t think people share them enough. A dog with puppies going out of her way to save a dumpster baby? Wow, that’s a beautiful story, it really is. People need to realize that these animals deserve more than abuse, deserve more then over-populated SPCA’s, and puppy mills. These animals deserve homes, real family homes. They deserve so much more than most of them are getting. They deserve to be loved.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KO-o3X51aIQ&feature=player_embedded

This dog is not an “unlikely hero”, he is simply a hero. This dogs breed might make him seem “unlikely” to alot of people but it’s not the breed it’s the owner, and this owner raised her dog right. I’m happy she let the dog do what needed to be done cause in cases like this… it’s scary to think of how it could have ended up. Abusive men are fucking ridiculous and far to common. Dogs are heroes everyday just by being by our side. I am grateful for this story, I am.

Three out of seven species of marine turtles are critically endangered.

Each year up to 12,000 African elephants are illegally killed to supply domestic ivory markets.

Illegal wildlife trade is one of the primary threats to a large number of species. In the last hundred years tiger numbers have declined by 95%.

When somebody is important to you, you need to understand what’s important to them.

WWF Link: This is the best gift idea yet, please adopt.

Alyssa: Love love love love love!
Me: You should get one :)
Alyssa: Maybe I shall!
Me: I adopted a Giraffe for a friend's birthday, a Wolf for another friend's birthday, a Humpback Whale for myself and two Orca Whales through the Vancouver Aquarium. My aunt is gonna adopt me a Polar Bear for Christmas. It's an amazing cause Alyssa and it's $25 or $50 depending on if you want a stuffy or not.
Alyssa: Oh, its definitely a great cause, I love animals!
Me: Hell yee! ♥
Alyssa: ♥

This is another photo that I took last weekend when I went Whale Watching in Richmond. Killer Whales are my favorite animal, my spirit animal, and I suppose it could be just the sight of them that has uplifted my entire demeanor. I love them. I love them so much and I believe that everybody should get involved in the adoption process which is mainly just a way of donating and feeling good about yourself. You can take part in this beautiful wildlife program with this link: http://netcommunity.vanaqua.org/page.aspx?pid=437 or if you don’t happen to like Killer Whales than you can check out this site http://www.worldwildlife.org/gift-center/gifts/Species-Adoptions.aspx in order to view a list of 100+ animals. Please adopt, every adoption matters.

We’re all the same.

We underestimate the power of a simple conversation with a stranger. We underestimate how compelling those conversations can be and how comforting a stranger’s words can sound. We underestimate the similarities between ourselves and people we’ve never met before, we forget we’re all the same.

This photo was taken by me and I just can’t get over how perfect it is. I took this when I went Whale Watching with my sister last weekend in Richmond with the Vancouver Whale Watching company there. It was a five and a half hour tour and we saw Killer Whales, Humpback Whales, Dall’s porpoises and Sea Lions. The tickets are $120 for adults and $100 for students, but since I had a 25% off ticket and I’m a student the ticket was only $80. The tour took us through the spectacular Gulf and San Juan Islands which ended up being a long boat ride with only endless ocean for the most part but it’s so beautiful out there. The fresh air and the deep blue sea, it’s magical. I quite enjoyed this trip, maybe not as much as I expected but when you come home with a few spectacular photos it makes everything worthwhile. I am so proud of this photo! In February I’ll be going with my family to Oahu which is one of the Hawaiian islands, we will be staying there for 10days and wandering around parks and such. However, I’m really looking forward to going Whale Watching there, the scenery will be magnificent and I can only imagine a clear blue shade of ocean. I wanna see more Humpback Whales, I wanna see them closer and hear their beautiful melodies. I want to photograph these gentle giants, these beasts of grey and white. Also, when June or July rolls around I’ll be heading back to Richmond with my sister to test out another Whale Watching boat and get more sightings of Killer Whales. I just love being on the ocean, the sea breeze and smell of fresh fish. Whether it’s cloudy as hell or the sun shines over everything embracing a crystal glisten. It’s a magical place to be. Simply magnificent, every single time. I love this fragile province, I love these luxurious little towns, this crisp continent of endless adventure. I just can’t wait to explore the rest of it. People need to open their eyes, open their eyes and drive a few hours to somewhere facing the edges of this madness. Somewhere to breathe, somewhere to escape. The lives we lead are nothing compared to the water flowing all around us, everybody needs to see that.

‎"If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress." -Barack Obama ♥

‎"Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."
-Barack Obama ♥

The connection we (should) have to animals, is one of the prettiest things we have to offer. It’s what makes us human, humane, humanity. Our deep rooted animalistic blood that turns to this understanding of nature and everything in it, that’s what we should be studying, that’s what we should improve.

What’s with all the Whale pictures?

I know, I know, I have gone a bit crazy with Killer Whale photos but I’m going Whale Watching this weekend and I’m ecstatic! Free Willy is one of my favorite movies just because I would kill to be Jesse and get to swim with that massive whale, Keiko. When I was really young I saw him in person, Keiko (free willy) and even have a picture of my family and I with him in the background. It was amazing! (If only I remembered it). Anyways, I went Whale Watching on Vancouver Island in a little place called Telegraph Cove when I was in Grade 9 and it’s been a bit over three years since I have seen Whales, period. This Saturday however, I get to drive down to Richmond with my sister and take a 3-5hour Whale Watching tour with guaranteed sightings. I thought I was gonna have to wait a few more years, till I had $1,000 to spare and take a ferry over to the island again and stay overnight and everything to see them again… but when I was in the break-room at my old job there was a book of coupons. I came across a coupon for Vancouver Whale Watching 25% off and brought it home. A few days later I showed my sister and my mother and sure enough there was a couple spots still free on one of the last tours of the season and my mother is buying us the tickets for our birthday gifts. I just can’t contain my excitement because they are my favorite animal and watching them is the one of the happiest places I have ever been and one of the best experiences I have ever had. I’m sick with a headache, sore throat, stuffy/dry nose, and an off stomach and I just need to get over this and be okay for Saturday. Saturday is all that matters to me right now, fuck Halloween, I’m going Whale Watching!

“To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind.” -Theophile Gautier

I'm a monster caged in darkness, but maybe one day I'll be free of the shadows. For this beast cannot be tamed.

My heart is slowly crumbling into a pit of black smoke; a demon's chamber. Fog, blanketing over my hopes and dreams. This depressing cloud pivoting over my North Star during these everlasting lonely nights. It seems all I can do is stare, pray that one day it’ll grab the wind and blow away. Here I am, like Rapunzel trapped in shadow, I dwell here all alone. Trapped, caged, corned in fear. Waiting. I look out at my life through a mirror, visible to all these scars sliced into my body at the blade of seemingly wrong fate.

“I just want to belong God, I wanna be free to run alongside happiness and mingle with destiny. Take these chains away so I can set sail towards my dreams. Let me go, set me free. It’s time for me to soar with my on-going faith. God, I beg of you. Please just let it work this time.” Each night I would pray, surrendering to his grace and kneeling down to portray my love. I need his hand, his strength, his purity. I need this acceptance to mold within me.

Darkness was no longer lingering moonlight. Shadows were no longer shaded reflections of one-self. This fog was no longer my imagination, but an entity. Tonight it came alive, it broke out of my ribcage like an Alien resurrection and pleaded guilty on my behalf. This black tool of hostility, this object of fear, chaos, and rejection. Were these desires so wrong? Is this courtroom liable to charge me with blame?

I am alone in this, a monster that cannot be tamed.

Before this day, I had no God, I perceived a will of my own. I dreamt of love, empathy, independence, free-will, and a future derived from desire. I caked on layers of a false reality, life as I had imagined it; a fairy-tale of sorts. I deemed those horrific gut feelings as miss-interpretations or romance, as if pain and loneliness didn’t exist and as if the only emptiness ever felt reeked of starvation.

I was young. I was young and sadly mistaken.

This love I created out of thin air emasculated Pandora’s Box as it mastered the art of perception into a nightmare of deception. This altered reality grew so far away from the movies that people were crippled by it, broken hearted, incomplete. It created this illusion that happiness could come from somebody else, and in turn, once that person walked out you were left to decay among your own sadness. Such a joy love was. Such a joy melted into pain once the brush of reality painted over all recognition among perfection.

Empathy was chopped away once my own pathetic withdrawal was invisible to my neighbours. How could they feel nothing? Their eyes always searched mine in need of a connection but nothing was ever shared. Only emptiness as the human resort to personalized humanity could no longer be sustained through my hollow perception of what man could never attain to be. Peaceful.

Independence was a healthy endeavour, the act of surviving alone. However this act of surviving alone ends up making you feel alone. As you go about your daily life, one can stimulate similarities between them and somebody else manoeuvring through the same motions. However, emotionally is not as simple. Emotional attachments take years to manipulate, to create. Connections take similar experiences, for people alike are more likely to make the same decisions which in-turn forms a mental connection.

It takes two people psychologically alike to spark the interpretation of friendship. The chances of this are rare. As it’s rather impossible for two people with the same conscience to go through the same experiences and make the same choices and meet. It’s more likely to consider the person who experienced it with you as your friend, then somebody you told it to later, but this is quite impossible.

This is why independence can lead to loneliness, because if you choose to experience things by yourself than you are refusing the opportunity to gain a mental connection. Independence is good, although without balance, you could potentially end up alone.

This line of independence conflicts and contrasts with free-will because in almost all situations you have a choice to go about it alone or include somebody else. Free-will also indulges guilt because if you choose to go about it independently and end up alone, you blame yourself for considering the plainly wrong choice. Hence why people might say, “well if you end up alone, you’ll have nobody else to blame but yourself.”

This all tangles up into choice, but not just any choice. Choices that melt together to form your future, because your future is derived from your choices, choices usually made at the hand of your desire. Hence, the future is derived from desire.

I was young. Young and sadly mistaken. Now I am alone in this, a monster that cannot be tamed. I used to be a dreamer, of all things beautiful and loved. Everything that pumped glittery hopes and smashing dreams. Now, now I'm not so sure miracles exist. I'm not even sure I do these days. It seems that emotions, the darker ones, conquer. This blanket of black mist, it's weightless but sunken. It's penetrated me and I can't stand as tall anymore. One day I'll escape this depression, one day I'll be rid of it forever. One day.

One day I will dream again, I will create another magical world and it will become my reality. One day I'll be happy. I'll be the Princess I've always wanted to be. One day... and I suppose that's all I need. Faith. Faith that one day, one day it'll all work out.

Visualize yourself as how you are instead of how people tell you, you are.

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.” -Harriet Tubman

“Everybody’s a dreamer.” -John Lithgow

I need somebody new.

If anything I just wish I could meet somebody soon, somebody who knows how to deal with me. I’m sick of being misunderstood or not even listened to and acknowledged. I’m sick of being alone. I want to hangout with somebody that understands me, somebody that I can tell everything to without breaking their heart or annoying them. I’m sick of smiling for the sake of other people’s feelings and wandering around as if I know where I’m going. I just, I really need to meet somebody who’s somewhat like me. I just want somebody new. I need somebody new.

I just want to know how I feel, what I want, and where I’m going.

I’m not quite sure how I feel, It’s as if I’m scattered around like PMS and bi-polar disorder. I feel as if I’m broken apart into categories and I’m not sure where I belong. It’s as if everything I know is separated into boxes of happy and sad. I just want to know how I feel, what I want, and where I’m going.

How do I feel? I wonder this each and every day. How do I honestly feel? Well I feel as though something is missing, I feel as though I need to make changes, I feel as though I’m waiting for something. All these things linger around and bottle up, they all cling and clang around in my mind until I transform into a detective and really investigate these individual fractions that make up my unsatisfied life. Now the question doesn’t seem to be as broad and open as a simple “how do you feel?” statement, it seems as though I got this all wrong. It is not just one single standing question that needs to be answered, but a bundle of smaller questions that will eventually converge to a universal discovery. These small questions consist of things like “how come you’re not satisfied with your life as is?” or “what do you believe you’re waiting for?” Life is so massive, so dynamic, that it becomes nearly impossible to merely focus on one question and perceive the answer as a solution. Now to answer these questions you first have to answer this: What do you want?

What do I want? It used to be such an easy question years ago. You were provided with a pad of paper and a pen and a catalogue of things children wanted at your age. It was easy, perhaps too easy, flipping through the catalogue you wrote down half the shit you didn’t even want because maybe it would be cool to own it. These days, nobody really knows. Sure the teenagers my age track down the newest technology and decide they need blackberries, iPads, iPods, and the newest laptops, but that’s only an object anchored with cash. What do they really want? It seems that what teenagers want, teenagers will only keep in secret. What they truly want, they will never tell straight up. They will hide behind music lyrics, movie quotes and their favourite television shows but they will never just tell you what they want. Teenagers want to be happy, that is all. They may list out the newest technology and talk about their favourite careers and what kind of clothes they want to buy but they will never just say that they want it because it makes them happy, and that’s all they’ve ever wanted to be. Young teenage girls wanted all the Twilight books, t-shirts, and posters, because Edward Cullen represented the perfect boyfriend to them and the perfect boyfriend would make any girl pretty ecstatic about life. Younger girls want to get specific clothing labels because they want acceptance, and in a labelled society based on social status, your style is your voice and everybody wants to be heard. The bottom line is we are all just lacking satisfaction in this world and deeply craving happiness. All we truly, madly, deeply want is simple. We want strong, real, true, pure, lasting happiness.

Where am I going? Hmm... what an interesting thought to discover in your own mind, “where am I going?” It’s also rather humorous to ask yourself this, “where am I going?” It’s merely a joke, it has to be, makes me chuckle just saying it. Ha, “where am I going?” The truth is nobody ever really knows. Nobody knows where they’re going to be in ten years even if they have a ten year plan. Nobody really knows if College or University will spin out into a lifelong career track, it’s as if nobody wants to know. Would you want to know? Would you want to know when you were going to get your big break or have your first child? Would you want to know the career path you’ll be taking so you can get the right education at the right time? Would you honestly want to know enough of your future to be prepared for it? I just don’t know. I can’t see myself wanting to know all the answers before it unfolds on its own. Time is much too precious to have fortune tellers interfere. Things happen for a reason and if people knew what was going to happen in advance than there would be no faith. Some people say that it’s the journey that matters, not the destination. However, others believe that it only matters where you end up after it all. I suppose it all depends on who you’re asking and what they want to get out of life.

The truth is, I still don’t know what career track I want or where I’ll be in ten years. I still don’t know what courses I’ll be taking next semester or when I’ll book a shopping trip. I don’t know if I’ll have enough money saved for my car insurance in March and I don’t know if the next boy I meet will break my heart. The truth is I think its better that way, cause if you knew what was going to happen than you wouldn't find joy in the smaller things, you wouldn’t find joy between the beginning and the end. That’s what matters, that’s what important. I’d like to be assured that one day I’ll be happy and get married and have a baby boy like I’ve always wanted to but at the same time I’ll let destiny takes its course and I’ll find faith in that. The journey is what leads us through dark times and brighter tomorrows, it’s this journey that plants the seeds of hope, courage, strength, love, and individualism and these seeds grow throughout eternity to bloom a soul.

I’ve always pondered ideas, each and every day, I’ve made up scenarios in my mind and collaborated hundreds of character traits into myself in order to morph into the woman I’ve always wanted to be. I have an imagination that goes wild whenever my mind drifts off from this busy schedule we call the “teenage years” and I find that wherever it wanders is where I wanna be. I want to be loved, I want to be remembered, I want to feel bliss and at peace and I want to go where the fresh air lingers around newly blossomed leaves and nature is everywhere to be seen. An escape, I want to escape into a Nicholas Spark’s novel or a scene from Vampire Diaries where Elena gets carried away in Damon’s arms after a horrific day. I want to live a life that seems unreal, I want to be so happy that my heart overflows with gratitude under the disguise of good deeds.

I want to live the life I’ve always imagined.

Media.

This deception, as though perfection was nominated through an election, is such a rude dimension. Such a connection to perfect relies on no real complexion, only a recession to try and abide by this beauty session. The lack of available concession will seek a re-election before this self-esteem receives a concussion from this fake perception. It’s as if a model inception has been implanted in our mental organization. This continuation will fail our social re-creation.

I'm just another working College student getting taken advantage of at a part-time job.

You would think people in their 40s would fucking understand bullying should be ended, what if I was the daughter of the manager and I heard what she was doing to other young girls… holy fuck Bitch, I’ll take you down. Nobody has a right to fill in your obligations except yourself and nobody has the right to make work your obligation if your also a College student. People need to stand up to their managers and contact the right sources and deal with this, this is a huge issue and the more teenagers that aren’t afraid of their boss, the better our working environments could be. Unions can only do so much and they can only start when contacted, people need to get a fucking hold of themselves and realize that teenagers aren’t just an age group of expendable beings. Fuck bullies. Wall Street can be an example for so much at this point, who cares if you don’t know what’s going on. They are people standing up for the little guys and THAT IS WHAT MATTERS. It’s not the money, it’s not the corporations, it’s the fucking people. THAT’S WHAT MATTERS. And until the government realizes how to take care of their people, than we will stand, we will stand strong and we will stand together and we will scream until we are heard. This can’t just end, unresolved, this is 2011 and we should have had this shit figured out awhile ago. We are the 99%.

This whole Wall Street ordeal and everything happening in individual unions that I’ve been hearing about…

It’s all about people joining in and standing up for the little guy and in a society like ours it’s never been more important.

Stand strong and stand together, because as long as you’re willing to stand up for yourself, people will be willing to stand by you.

We look outside, we try to seek out what we need. We feel such an emptiness within and yet we can't locate any instructions on how to replace it, that urge, that satisfaction. The truth is that all our lives are viewed as the same, as we peer out the blinds let down in front of us. Half light, half dark. Some of us will simply close the blinds and go back to sleep... while others will open them a little farther and broaden their view of everything beautiful outside. Some will sit back in Winter while others will warm up in the Spring. We all have different times, different schedules and goals, but yet, at some point or another, we all have to open our eyes.

So with a mountain of homework, bad cramps and a migraine...

Today: work 4-10pm
Tomorrow: interview @12pm for a Woman Studies project, work 6-midnight
Sunday: work 1130-8pm
Monday: school 10-2pm, work 4-10pm
Tuesday: **LITERATURE PAPER DUE** school 430-730pm
Wednesday: **LONG SUMMARY DUE** school 10-2pm, work 4-10pm

… here’s the real question, with this little time I have to get homework done how the fuck do I get two papers done with a good mark? This is really fucking frustrating and it always seems to happen, I want my hours down to 18 a week instead of this 24 a week shit and it’s taking them a month to do it so I have to wait till November… than if 18 still doesn’t work I gotta wait another month. These courses end in December so it better work out or I’ll run outta time.

I’d much rather a human connection be my yearning than some unknown career path. I am human, after all.

Fresh air at 130am has never been so beautiful.

Staring up at the moon and the North star I pondered life and than I looked down at the puppy sitting on my shoe… and wondered if it was more important to realize how small we are or how big we can be in just one person’s life… I don’t think people have the right perspective.

I had to watch this documentary called “The End of Suburbia: Oil Depletion and the Collapse of the American Dream” and I found it rather interesting. Interesting how the media refuses to inform us on this collapse and inform us on how much farther it goes than just having the cars taken off the road. This is rather terrifying that we are on a downward spiral and soon enough we won’t be able to grow our crops, drive our cars, or heat our houses the way we do now. Electricity is even an issue here for all the dams and windmills don’t generate nearly enough for everybody to use and we should have learned from the blackouts that our energy is always nearing 100% capacity. This documentary informs us of the reality in our backyard right now and what we need to know, we need to prepare now because this temporary dream of Suburbia is over.

Actions > Words

Wuddup Wall Street ?

I’m just a ghost, that’s all I see, this hidden darkness that can’t escape from me. I view everything from here to the coast but any reflection would become an absentee. “Oh darling I disagree, you are just as beautiful as a sweet pea” voices would hum and echo as If I was a nominee, but in this reality I was only a translucent killer bee. Maybe with enough vitamin C I could grow to be as strong as a coniferous tree, but to what degree would my debris enforce a docking fee? I don’t wanna turn into a midnight flame, as I am not a flea but just a useless girl that was never meant to be. My killing spree was not changed by seasons but banshee reasons and I will stand here naked of leaves and disagree with this t.v. as I believe and wish to see a world where everything is set free. This is not as it was meant to be and I could have won a spelling bee but my voice was drowning undersea. If we truly love thee than we need to open our eyes and really see these people’s gusty hearts screaming for what must be. I sigh from here to tennessee for these people of the lowest degree as the taxes, fame and fortune need a political referee. This franchisee has gained an entrance fee and silenced voices are becoming cold like your iced tea. You think your rich like the grand prix but it’s just a fluke that you came to be and now we’ll take you as our detainee. This isn’t fair and your cruel underwear is being torn from beneath you, you’ve lost your privileges to the golfing tee so you can just sit there with your mp3 and re-think how your greed turned into potpourri. It’s ripped and torn and the name you’ve given yourself is definitely something to mourn, you can scorn all you want but now you’ve got yourself a lock without a key and we’re taking you down.

It's a world on it's axis that cannot be turned.

The disappointment, the failure, the regurgitated doubt. The waiting, the pondering, the forecast of rain when there’s only drought. It seems that, whether you like it or not, all things come in waves. One day you’ll be satisfied with your job, your school, and your friends and the next you wanna clean the slate and start all over. It’s terrifying to realize that such a large hand can only hold so few things tightly, few things dear. It’s humiliating to suggest that we should all live alone when we are so dependent on “the one” but yet human nature is nothing to be embarrassing about. We all live our own lives only to intermingle with others along the way, share our passions, our fears, and our lovely thoughts. We share touch, smell, sound, looks, and taste. We colonize into cultures and invite others to join in, introducing places and reoccurring interests. Our world is a mere bundle of ants, running around carrying things and looking busy until somebody forces us to stop with one simple glance, our soul-mate. Somebody that you might hate at first and come to love, or love so dearly that you’re forced to loosen your hold. We all need this person, somebody in our lives to carry us, like ants and their hoarding for Winter. We are only storage, storage for our friends, family, and lovers. We hold their things for a little while or as long as we can and eventually we give/take them back and move on with our lives. Sometimes we give a simple brick and get back a house and other-times we only gain back the dust from the building plans. It’s horrifying, scary, and with no alternative, risky. However, this is life and life goes where life wanders and does what life does and we’re just ants trying not to get stepped on. Just ants, ants trying to carry one another or dig our own hole. We are not much but a mere bundle but we still matter. Everything. Matters.

I'm just a ghost... just. another. ghost. floating above concrete goodbyes and screaming wishes.

I land every now and than and peer into the eyes of fate, the pupils of destiny and the blue haze of the underworld. I grab onto the memories still blocked out by my friends and I hide them in picture frames and the flames of the newly lit fire. I genuinely feel sad, as tears tremble in my eyes and gasp for air as they slide down my cheeks. Everything has fallen around me and I still have yet to hit the ground, to accept this… reality. I listen to faint smears of music and whisper back through the walls of tingling chords. The piano hums these melodies as the guitar strips them with solos and art choruses with sets of drums hinting at an epic centerpiece. This was life now, written and abolished in my destiny but still the world turns on it’s axis. Balanced, all alone, without even the thought of me anymore. I was now a ghost, just a reflection unseen by the billions of people that failed to notice me. I walked hallways, tripped and fell and nobody even bothered to hand me one of my pens back, they all just rolled away with my love of this world. Everything was burned and ashes were turned to dust, everything that ever was touched by me or made by me… even just the thought of me. Demolished. Forbidden. Gone. I no longer existed to these present inhabitants and I never would, it was now time to accept that newly polished policy and say goodbye. I would take flight once again and sore up into the clouds, not the ones you could see but the ones deeply rooted in the heavens. I can’t believe I even made it here, how could I even deserve this with all the choking infliction still embedded in my soul? With this broken arrow bleeding out of my heart and frantically pulsing as I tempted to breathe. Where was I? Was this what heaven was? A white basket of disappointment or was I just, dead? Minutes later the white blew away like smoke and this dew cornered me like a butter-knife on toast. “Megan, you’re safe now, you’re home”, a voice pierced through the grey mist and coached me to stand, once again I floated and all the pain melted away. Maybe I was home, no face to the voice and no other voice heard, I suppose I was meant to be alone. However, that’s not what they call it up here, they called it peace, and at peace was exactly where I was.

Some people in this world are so beautiful and yet so invisible.

“‎”You have to trust in something: your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
— Steve Jobs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2WWrupMBAE&feature=relmfu

Jessie J, let’s just have a quick moment for her. It seems to me like her songs have real meaning to them, sticking up for the people lost in the shadows behind the mask. Noticing the fake burdens and the mystery in the smiles. She is real. A realistic artist who sings about what comes to her mind, what she feels she needs to sing about. Her song pricetag also made a good point about speaking about the money and how in truth it’s not the money that matters. Yes, she might be rich and getting famous but I don’t think she’s the kinda person to just make shit up. This song who you are seems to really speak from the heart, especially when you tie it in with her other song who’s laughing now, people don’t tend to notice these things but I think she’s had some tough times like everybody else as a teen and now it’s her time to shine. Re-blog or like or say something of your own if you think she deserves this, cause I honestly do.

This. is. ridiculous.

[5th] Tomorrow: English, Psychology Midterm, Work 4-8pm
[6th] Thursday: Finally a day off… to spend at the library doing homework -__-
[7th] Friday: Work 6-Midnight
[8th] Saturday: Work 130-10pm
[9th] Sunday: Work 130-10pm
[10th]Monday: TURKEY DINNER
[11th]Tuesday: School 430-730pm
[12th]Wednesday: School 10-2pm
[13th]Thursday: ————
[14th]Friday: Work 4-10pm
[15th]Saturday: Work 6-Midnight
[16th]Sunday: Work 1130-8pm
[17th]Monday: School 10-2pm, Work 4-10pm
[18th]Tuesday: School 430-730pm
[19th]Wednesday: School 10-2pm, Work 4-10pm
[20th]Thursday: This starts my 5 days off from work that I requested off thinking I was gonna be at a cabin with friends and now this probably won’t happen so it’ll be spent completing homework like any other day off. Lovely. Ain’t that a bitch.

“…like ghosts in the fog.”

It’s the feeling of being truly alone, and it’s not beautiful. It has moments of strength and courage but it’s drowned with loneliness. A sunken boat that cannot be willed by one man, but moved by a force of meaning and wishes. However, when there is no meaning nor a wish come true, this boat washes away. This boat crashes into land and a lonely island labels you as lost. This looming entity of unlisted passion goes unnoticed by every. single. translucent soul in this world. We all swallow it down and choke on the regrets, this loneliness, this shipwreck. Loneliness spreads like a sunken boat, creating reefs of fake moldy grass and transporting fish from natural to artificial in seconds. It’s all just a lie, a lie we follow each and everyday. This loneliness, this pirate carved nation, this flag needs to be ripped apart and buried beneath shells. These decaying skulls wrapped in towel above treasure chests need to be brought to life. This shipwreck, this fake scenery, all these pirates wandering like ghosts in the fog. This needs to end. The treasure chest must me opened and the secrets need to scream their fates, something is most definitely wrong here. Pandora’s box will come to life, one day, and one night only.

How does one say goodbye?

How does one say goodbye?
As the word muffles sound and chokes the tears, why even try?
As the resistance of failure is as small as an eagles eye,
where do we turn when everything we once knew turns out to be a lie?

We are lost, spun around, as our passion hits the ground.
We lay there, unaware, softened like a pear.
Do we even dare repair?

How does one say goodbye?
As if the love we had was all but denied,
as though a hello could never be reapplied.

We are so bound to one another,
as if our lives should be the other way around.
So bonded and redound, this relationship is much too propound.
This fear must weigh a hundred pounds.

We fought through the rain,
and all that was brought upon became pain.
We try to refrain from doing it again,
but detain this addictive urge as blain as acid rain.
Even though it breaks us down like cocaine,
it’s all we have to sustain.

This old flame can’t be contained,
but how do we say goodbye?
We can’t simply rename,
what’s buried us down in so called “fame”.
Nobody is to blame,
for a thing like this is never labeled nor tame.

Ohh yeah, I’m chopping off inches and going drastically short. This style but an inch or two shorter I think. Oh yeah, It’s fucking happening for real this time. I said I was gonna do it for summer and although I love how my hair is longer now, I said I was gonna chop it off before and it’s gotta happen! Yes, I’ll probably regret this but I wanna do something drastic so it’s fucking happening! HELLO SHORT HAIR! I need to dye it darker as well but that’ll happen later.

Changes, changes, changes.

I have found a place where I can stick to my guns, especially with wanting to stay single even though I have a guy really wanting one date with me. I have been working so much and school is now handing out bigger assignments to a harder degree and it only makes all of this all the more energy consuming. Life is fucking difficult but now I have something to look forward too, a reason to bulldoze everything down that’s in my way. I am now informed that I’ll be getting a puppy of my own, that my car plans have a chance of working out and I can finally begin what I’ve been planning for years in advance, and I have the chance to reconnect with lost friends. Life is fucking beautiful as the rain pours down on all of us and the clouds darken for the arrival of the storm, this is where we stand, this is the new shit.

Life has been interesting to say the least.

Well it seems that I’ll be getting my own dog. My sister volunteers at a horse rescue and the woman she works with, Julie, has a dog named Cowboy and we’ve babysit him and everything and we all know Julie. Now, Cowboy has a brother that’s only 6weeks old right now but from the same parents and he needs a home. He’s a little brown poodle x shih tzu and my mom saw a picture of him and decided that we’re taking him. He gets to sleep in my room and everything and pretty much be my dog. I can’t wait to meet him and take care of him, I fucking love dogs and it’s been 3 years since my last dog died and I still think of her. She was an english cocker spaniel and her name was Belle, she died of a tumor in her gums and the cancer spread to her lungs and she passed away when she was ready, not before. I’ve been waiting 3 years to have another, like I thought I’d have to wait till mid-twenties till I had a house of my own but I think my mother understands how dear this is to me and that’s why she’s allowing this. I can’t fucking wait to come home to a dog of my own, this couldn’t mean much more than it does. It’s the happiness that swells in your heart and feels like sunken butterflies and that your soul is smiling, it’s when you cry when you hear the news because you’ve waited so long for something to fill this on-going void. I can’t express myself any much more than tears, I’m just so utterly proud.

I wonder how my friends would react if they had to deal with my schedule for a month.

I wonder if they would crack under the pressure or fall asleep during class because of the insomnia. I wonder which fast food places they would choose at midnight or if they’d be okay with not having a family dinner for weeks at a time. I wonder if they would choose to have a boyfriend or depend on themselves. I wonder if they’d show up to class without homework done in an attempt to get at-least 5hours sleep of if they would just stay up all night to finish. I wonder if they’d hangout with all the guys I hangout with and if they’d care to have a best-friend. I wonder how long they would last until they brought their work hours down. I’m not exactly sure whats the “right” way to live my life at this moment but I suppose I’m doing my best.

I need a spark. I need to come alive.

It's the silence, it's the bitter silence that seeps in through the night.

It’s all those whispers haunting your conscience, all those trapped memories blistering your imagination, it’s all those suffocating dreams drowning your ideas. It blurs your vision until reading is nearly impossible and shakes your hand until all you can do is erase the scribbles on your notebook. It’s, somewhat, a disease. It’s, somewhat, a mystery. It’s, somewhat, indescribable. It’s an emptiness and yet a dose of fulfillment. It’s a comfort and a nightmare. It’s this burden to carry and a guided adventure. It’s life, it’s death, it’s family, it’s friends, it’s your job and it’s your technology. It’s your past, it’s your present, it’s your future. Time, it just has a way of building bridges and throwing rocks. A way of pushing daises and flooding towns. It’s in everything we do, all the matter around us, it’s everything. Nothing happens without it, nothing starts with it, and nobody is ahead of it. Time, I guess we’re all stuck here together.

The busy schedule... well it's fucking busy.

Saturday: homework, work(4-10pm), movie marathon, DD
Sunday: homework, work(4-10pm)
Monday: college (10-2pm), work(4-10pm)
Tuesday: college (430-730pm)
Wednesday: college (10-2pm), homework
Thursday: wash car, homework
Friday: work (4-10pm)
Saturday: work (6-12am)
Sunday: work (4-10pm)
Monday: college (10-2pm)
Tuesday: college (430-730)
Wednesday: college (10-2pm), work (4-8pm)
Thursday: homework
Friday: work (6-12am)
Saturday: work (130-10pm)

I hear the planes above me and dream of somewhere far away.

Reasons why today sucks…

-dropped my glasses in a tub of grease
-had to stay half an hour later when I should have left at midnight (work)
-might get fired from my new job
-still on the road to getting sicker
-had a customer want to talk to my manager today
-only ate 2 muffins and a bowl of macaroni
-tired as fuck
-didn’t get my homework done that’s due tomorrow
-tomorrow sucks
-at 12:20am I was emptying grease buckets
-still no paycheck when it’s been a month
-have to contact my union people over stupid shit
-schedule is fucked
-I have to wake up for school in 6hours than work after
-aaaand I’m fucked.

My head is in the clouds and I cannot see the sun.

It’s all just clashing into one another like dominoes, black pieces of plastic toppling over to revisit the number on the other side. The past, the future, and this bank vault in the center of everything. It’s all centered within the barriers of society, like a jail, a jail where no visitors are allowed. Dominoes caving in all around me as the bars bend and break under the sheer sadness of fallen objects, it’s all starting to linger outwards like the high tide infecting the shoreline. Everything, everybody, it’s all spilling onto the restricted canvass nobody was ever meant to see. All these bottled up emotions and tied up excuses, all knotted up to the same anchor to drown one personal individual at a time. Loneliness. The cancer I’ve visited before has now become a room in the mind where the crazies are sent. Where the crazies are drowned, tortured and condemned to their own terrifying thoughts. That’s all you’ve ever had to do, ya know? Just leave me all by myself to sink my own battleship. That is all that has to happen for somebody to disappear like the rain, maybe I’ll return someday and create a rainbow to shine down upon little girls and boys, but right now, right now I can only get lost in the grey clouds.

Our hearts are mended together with the materials given to us from everybody we meet. Patterns of memories and stitches of emotion. Our hearts are tragedy, miracles and the unknown. They are colorful and swollen, they are breakable, broken, and steel. They are beautiful. Blissful silence of beating melodies and fragile thoughts. They carry us around and bury us with a neon sign for somebody to find us again. They are just as uneasy as a scared bear and just as reckless as a drunken soldier, but they are also just as strong as a mother’s connection to her children. We need to hold our hearts in plain sight but never let them go. They are ours and if somebody can love them just enough to keep them pumping, then we have found a trustworthy finger to place a piece of material on and leave it there forever.

Loneliness is underrated.

People don’t understand how underrated loneliness really is. It’s the root of alot of behavior and suppressed emotions. Loneliness is like a cancer and it eats from the inside out until it’s made obvious on your pale white face that you haven’t actually slept in a few days, and than you start to shake because your muscles have been tense for much too long. Loneliness is such a cancer, hollowing you out from the deepest place imaginable, from the bottom of your heart and soul. You can’t see it and only rare gems can successfully allow it to rest in peace. Loneliness is underrated and it’s slowly making the world go mad.

I turned out to be another dead bug trapped in the windowsill because I thought I’d found the light.

War should not be ended by fear, but released by love.

We are only Human.

Life is not beautiful when it is walked through alone. As if we’re wandering through the desert without water. As if we’re only meant to attempt survival and eventually die off, one, by, one. If we were meant to survive in the desert, we would have adapted without this dire need for fluids. We wouldn’t be made 75% of water. If we were meant to survive alone we wouldn’t be born with this primitive need for this common resource. We were born for the rainforest. We were born to sing, communicate, surround ourselves in color and blanket ourselves with warmth. We are meant to be needed, needed on this planet, in this massively dynamic ecosystem. We were built for connections, touch, and reality. In the rainforest you do not survive alone. If you were forced to wallow in the woods with only the shadow on your back, you would become so animalistic that humane characteristics would demolish everyone and everything around and within you. You would simply dissipate with the rain. We are only human, and we need to thrive in the rainforest to even have a fighting chance at this thing known as life. It’s time for us to return to the wild.