It feels like a dream, a scenario I had created years ago.

Driving in the pouring rain, in the darkness as midnight fell upon the city. Searching, seeking, surrendering to the urge that had been itching at her chest. The prickling of a raw appetite for lust, just below the rib cage to the left of the breastbone, the heart pumped blood towards the victim. A hand waved hello to a teenage man with broad shoulders, thick arms and a breathtaking smile. A cigarette lit up, cherry red as lips engaged a dry breath of smoke and boots hit the ground left than right. A stomping rattle of puddles echoed the sound of her legs leading her closer, close enough to touch him. He glared into her eyes as if he was a bloodthirsty sabertooth ready to puncture her vocal chords with two beautiful fangs and slowly led her upstairs to his cave. She entered cautiously until he put his hand on her hip and crept it under her shirt and crawled it up her spine, her button had been triggered and the lust practically drooled from her mouth. They kissed so tenderly and soft as they pressed their bodies tightly close and took off their clothing, piece, by piece. The sweat dripped down his back as she inhaled and exhaled beneath him, the moans sharpened than softened as the craving was satisfied between the two. Heavy breathing and frequent sighs ended their engagement of sin as the two simply cuddled under a blanket and rested their naked figures. His shoulders served as a protective man as his chest protected his heart and served as her pillow. She smiled and glanced at him one more time before allowing her eyes to fully close and drift away into sleep. She was home.

I really am in love with my new necklace of random things but I really crave a cross. Lately I really wanna get a glittery cross on a long necklace that just comfortably folds over my head and rests below my ribs. Something about it is just so soothing.

I think it's gonna be a "chill in sweats with no make-up on" kinda Sunday.

Damn straight cause today starts my “woman’s obligation week” and no woman really wants to do much when she has cramps and just feels weighed down. Today is cloudy and kinda chilly and that doesn’t give me any energy to do anything. I know tomorrow my sister is having a car wash and I’ll be bringing my car to that and donating to her cause and than on Tuesday I have a cake to make/decorate/deliver and than sometime next week I’ll finally adopt my humpback whale. My feelings about Summer are just so mix-matched, cause at one end of the table I did barely anything I wanted to do because the weather wasn’t right but at the other end I grew as a person and still made a thousand memories. I just don’t know, but I really don’t think I’d call it satisfying.

"cause Graduation feels like a big joke."

I’m Graduated. This Summer was supposed to be camping, playland, beach and sleepovers and although some of that happened, the clouds have dampened others from being created or even talked about. This Summer was meant for alot more than what happened but even when I’m at home, in sweats, no make-up, just watching f.r.i.e.n.d.s. episodes I know something is missing. I am missing something huge in my life right now and although I feel the strength to be content without it I don’t think things are going to feel real until I have it in my hands. Everything is surreal, it’s like I still haven’t accepted that I have my N and my very own car with a rockin’ sound system. It’s like I don’t realize how lucky I am to be going to Honolulu in February. I don’t know, I feel like I need to do something for myself and lately I can’t seem to get it. I have friends, I have people I can talk to and people who depend on me. I get invited out and everything but it’s not like I really open up to any of them in ways where they know what’s going on in my mind. I write more on my blog than I tell them. Somewhere in there I got comfortable with being at home and going to Tims every now and than. I just see College being me maybe meeting somebody special, maybe somebody I can relate to and actually open up to but than again I doubt that’s gonna come true in the Fall. It’s like I feel like I don’t have friends some days, and other days I just smile at how many I have. Somethings in my life are getting better and some have fallen to new depths but either way I have so much faith in things getting better that I’m afraid one day they will break and if nothing happens in College… I’m scared that I’ll snap again. I’m afraid of going back to my very dark place and maybe that’s why lately I’m trying not to get overexcited about anything and be content in the shadows but yet deep within my heart.. I truly am expecting my prince to show up someday soon. I’m expecting something exciting to happen if I can just conjure up the patience to wait. Is it possible to have too much faith?

SAGITTARIUS HOROSCOPE: July 24 – 30

August will bring slowdowns, indecision and backtracking, so finish projects now; start nothing important. A four-week streak of great intellectual, travel, international, educational, cultural, religious and love pursuits faces you – with good luck Monday to Wednesday (when relationships, marriage, contracts, opportunities and new horizons are accented) and even more so July 30/31, when friendship and love are hard to tell apart! But in pursuing these, stick to a past or ongoing connection rather than creating a purely new undertaking. An old flame might be on the horizon.

still waiting…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vzap7Q7ziOY&feature=player_embedded

This dance was just beautiful. I wish I had a big blonde guy like Neil to catch me if I chose to leap across the stage! There just isn’t anything better than to be in somebody else’s arms. Contemporary has the power to amaze me and bring tears to my eyes and this was my favorite routine tonight, it was magical. I love Neil as an Allstar and Melanie is such a strong yet graceful dancer that I really do hope she continues to make her dreams come true.

My belief is as strong as religion.

Those moments you understand yourself a millimeter more.

Me: Captain America is really dreamy!

Matt: I've seen the previews of the movie...it looks really good.

Me: They did it quite well, showed you what Captain America is REALLY all about. It's not even about how he is a soldier in a sense, they show it and everything but its about character and how you yourself will matter someday. Dont let up. Idk lol anyways it was awesome! Chris Evans is really sexy and yeah it was very nice. Marvel is doing a great job with their movies... besides the fuck up of Spiderman of course cause both Hulks I enjoyed, Thor was pretty awesome and now this Captain America was good and of course IRONMAN was really good!

Matt: Yea Marvel makes good hero movies.. I havent seen Thor though, Hulk movie I like but the IRONMAN is like the best hero movie ever.

Me: I prefer DC but all in all it's just about giving people hope, faith and allowing them to believe in something greater when times are dark. I don't know who I would be if somebody didn't make them a symbol to the world. I don't know where I would have ended up, it sounds sappy and all but I don't think people understand how much they truly mean to me.

Bronwyn, Rachel, Me and Diana. Harrison Hot Springs trip was amazing with these girls! We went for three days from the 26th to the 28th and we rented bikes in town, played Monopoly, went on boat rides, walks and swimming. I had so much fun those three days and even when it was time for bed we brought out glow sticks and just laughed. That trip was really important to me and the memories, pictures and friends that I get from all that is just incredible. I’m pretty content with my life, all tan and slightly burnt with hundreds of nice pictures of my friends and I. Life is beautiful when you enjoy all the details.

I realized something today, I have rebuilt a nice portion of my castle. I’m only getting stronger with every brick that I haul to the tops of my towers. Soon enough, a prince will climb these walls and endow me with a crown and kiss me good morning.

I would rather be ashes, than the people that love me can visit a beautiful place to say hello instead of a graveyard to say goodbye.

This picture was taken by me and these belong to my Uncle Robert, they are the cutest little things I have ever seen! I’m in love and I want my own, an entire Justice League of miniatures.

Traveling: It's the packing that's the chore.

I tend to over-pack than empty it all out before leaving… it’s my thing. I got my sweatpants and t-shirts cause it might be cloudy and than I got my shorts, tank-top and one shoulder shirt for the sun to arrive. Also I have my bathing suit to tan and swim and shampoo and everything. Got a book to read, i-pod to listen to, my comb and make-up and such. All the food is packed which means chips, pop, cookies and muffins. I can’t wait to wake-up tomorrow and have my girls come-over and than drive up there with music blasting, it really is one of my favorite things in the world! Traveling will definitely become my thing when I become employed once again and can afford it, and believe me, I’ll be going to Telegraph Cove immediately. Anywho, Harrison tomorrow and I’m really hoping that it’s not disappointing.

HARRISON TOMORROW?! Wow, I Think So!

Finally the second trip I was excited for is here, I shall pack tonight and fix up my nails and make sure my CD’s are ready to go. I can’t wait. This time I’ll be bringing up Rachel, Bronwyn and Diana. I have known them since grade 8 and now they can finally see my Uncles place at Harrison and I can’t wait to show it to them. I’ll be taking Diana in my car and Bronwyn will be taking up her standard as well with Rachel. We will be meeting at my place at 11am and than heading up. It’s fucking great, blasting the music and singing and driving. It’s my favorite thing. So I know for sure the drive up there will be spectacular and than of course so will the time spent at the house/mansion. We will be setting up our beds and everything on the first day and what not and hopefully the sun graces us with it’s presence so we can swim and hike and everything in glory. It’s going to be epic. :)

It's the heartbreak, I can hear it everyday.

I can hear the muscles tense when something reminds her of you, I can hear them turn to steel, cold steel. Having them choke her from the inside out, having them take her breath away and weigh her down. Those exact muscles that she used to use to hug you, to kiss you and love you. The muscles she used to try and cheer you up, to buy you everything she could afford, to drive you everywhere you needed to go, to be yours. The muscles she used to imagine your life together and believe that getting married could be a reality in the end. The muscles she used to keep coming back to you until you finally grabbed her in your arms and got all of her, all of her until you let go and dropped her fifteen stories with nobody else to catch her. The muscles that broke and tore and ripped the flesh off her bones when gravity finally threw her into the ground. A mountain of soil and a nicely dug grave, she thought it was over. However, muscles do not follow what you imagine, in the sense where even though a hammer is plunged into her heart each and every-time she wakes up and goes to sleep. Those muscles are not real, they are heartbreak. Everything hurts when somebody’s heart breaks and hers was so open for the hit that it practically exploded on impact. Muscles can form again and they can rebuild, they can enforce another layer to protect and prevent this occurrence from happening again at such a lethal rate, but muscles can’t rebuild trust, that is the hearts doing. And with the heart out of business and under construction, nobody should be trusted. Nobody is trustworthy anymore. What happened to her this time, would never be aloud to get through the stone wall the next time. She would wait, she would wait, wait, wait. She would stop time and zone out, she would stare into the abyss. She would heal this time, she would learn, rebuild and improve. She would become destructive.

Party All Night Long !

Well well well I went to my buddy Pascal’s party last night and it was awesome. One of the biggest parties I’ve been too, like 30 or more people showed up. I showed up and started drinking my VEX coolers and sure enough Kaylin and I sat down at a table and made some friends and by the end of the party everybody we knew was at our table or standing around it and I felt like gold. The party was held outside and inside his garage so there was lots of dancing in the garage and when it finally got started it was pretty decent but mostly people were drinking and having conversations outside. It was a great party, I danced forever, like a few hours, and a guy actually came up to me and said “stop dancing, you’ve been dancing forever” and I asked if he liked my dancing and he said “yes but you’ve been dancing for an hour now!” It was hilarious. Lot of dancing, some coolers, new friends and fun conversations. Made two good friends Chelsea and Mikaela and they were very nice to Kaylin and I and just a load of fun. Also this guy Tobias I had met at a party awhile back showed up and ended up explaining why he ignored me and everything and I feel soo much better now, turns out, he is still quite charming.

Life is good, this is what Summer is supposed to feel like!

Awesome time at Harrison, cloudy Friday but on Saturday the sun came out and we went for a boat ride and stopped and jumped off the boat than came back and had hotdogs and tanned on the dock. Kaylin and I had a great conversation and got a decent sleep and than woke up fairly early to enjoy the sunshine. Soon enough it was time to get the lake water out of our hair and get all ready to head back to Ridge. Blast the music loud and sing and roll down all the windows, that’s how it’s done! Than I did some laundry so I could wear my favorite outfit to the party that night. All day we just chilled in the sunshine and at night we went to party till 3AM so it was pretty fantastic. This is what Summer is supposed to be and I hope it runs like this till the end of August! Thank you Summer, thank you for finally beginning! Hopefully I get some phone calls from the other places I applied for and than maybe something magical happens. Woot woot, this has got my spirits higher than ever. I heal in the sunshine like Superman.

I do not have any memories of being on a plane even though I’ve only been on one once when I was 3 years old. Going to Honolulu in February and the plane ride reaction till even be surprising to myself cause I have no clue how I feel about this.

Es-cap-ism

The tendency to escape from daily reality or routine by indulging in daydreaming, fantasy, or entertainment.

Grief, is a dungeon within a once greeting heart.

To wonder where they are in this chaotic world, to wonder if they are in a dangerous riot of hundreds or stranded on an island that’s eerily shaken by a storm. Gone for a week or a month, I’ll never know. All I have is chained to my subconscious as I dream of them each and every night. This pain stings me like a paralyzed hurricane. As if my true self is a small city near a raging ocean, an innocent village of hopes, dreams, wishes and beliefs. As if each memory is a quaint little cottage and each loving remembered quote is a translucent ghost haunting each individual home. At one side of the village, chaos and criminals should be washed away by that hungry hurricane at bay. However, at the other side of this village is a city beginning to form, dense with skyscrapers and remarkable restaurants. Should this hungry beast born by the wind demolish everything at hand just to escape the evil within? It’s a city gated with desire and dreams, maybe one day I’ll take the train somewhere else.

There is nothing like being excited for future events.

20th, Wednesday: Make marshmallow fondant with my Aunt
21st, Thursday: Butter Chicken for dinner
22nd, Friday: Harrison with Kaylin [sleepover]
23rd, Saturday: return from Harrison, sleepover at Kaylin's house
26th, Tuesday: Harrison with Rachel, Bronwyn, and Kyndrie [sleepover]
27th, Wednesday: Kyndrie goes home but the rest sleepover again
28th, Thursday: Return from Harrison
31st, Sunday: bake Anna’s cake
Aug, Monday: deliver Anna’s cake
Aug 2nd, Tuesday: ADOPT HUMPBACK WHALE!

[Left to right] - Me, Bronwyn, Rachel and Kaylin. I love them all. I have known Bronwyn and Rachel for five years now and Kaylin for about two but it feels like ten. They have never failed me, they are the type of friends who get your hints and ask what’s wrong even when you don’t want to say anything, the type of friends you could call up at 3am just to talk, they are loyal, smart and beautiful and I don’t know where I would be without them.

Each night I lay awake, I continuously peer outside my window still waiting on his return.

I can keep my mouth shut and memories tied in chains hidden in a cellar beneath the happiest moments I live today, but I cannot suppress the visions and dreams I constantly have of you. I cannot suppress the ache and heartache and mountains of sorrow I feel for your loss. Grief has stricken me unrepairable.

This is my bestfriend Kaylin and I and it’s one of my favorite pictures. I just love her more than anything and she never fails to make me laugh, smile or cheer up. In a sense she makes up for alot of bad friendships I have put myself through time and time again and I hope I never fail her. She deserves everything she wants and I hope a million other people out there think the same of her, I can’t think of any reason why somebody wouldn’t love, care or want her. She is my definition of a beautiful individual, inside and out.

BC Parks: North Beach.

My two good friends Bronwyn, Rachel and I drove not even half an hour away from hour houses to find this. They have been here before but I never have and it was breathtaking. One of the parts of Golden Ears Provincial Parks and what a masterpiece of fresh natural beauty it was. A massive, massive view of clear water and mountains. This is the essence of British Columbia and the reason why cloudy weather is so saddening when it dreads over our country. Yesterday the sun came out and we hiked our butts up to this long rocky beach and it was so worth it. We took hundreds of photos and got knee deep in chilly water. It was a great day, and I can thank my friends and this amazing view for it. It’s magical what scenery can heal in an instant glimpse and one timely breath.

Summer is looking up,

because on Friday I leave for Harrison with my bestfriend Kaylin and we come back Saturday to have a sleepover. This weekend is going to be awesome! Than next Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday I’ll be back up at Harrison with Bronwyn, Rachel and Kyndrie. I like these plans and I hope the weather shines like never before to make it beautiful and glorious. In August I get to collect $27 for a cake which means I can adopt my Humpback Whale and I have a $100 gift card for gas coming in the mail which also helps me out. I’ll also be making a cake this month for a friend and baking with my Aunt to practice making marshmallow fondant. A little sunshine and I’ll be perky in no time.

I realize that I’m not alone anymore. I have a handful of friends that truly care about me and what’s going on in my life and a bucket full of family that would do anything to cheer me up. I’m not alone, and that’s really all I needed them to give me, their presence.

Today was a fucking awesome day! North Beach was amazing, than pizza, than Timmy hoes. Lots of laughs and hundreds of pictures. I love my girls Bronwyn, Rachel, and especially Kaylin!

Gateau De Lizee :

So pretty much I spent a couple years baking and decorating cakes and got pretty damn good at it and than stopped out of the blue. I got frustrated with how much time it took me and the person that encouraged me had left and so I just stopped doing it. People kept asking why but eventually the whispers stopped and it became a thing of the past. Gateau De Lizee is a Facebook group and I had over 100 members on there that respected and acknowledged my art and passion. Everybody loved my cakes and my sister even made me thousands of business cards to go with that Facebook group. Recently, like tonight, my friend Matt messaged me about cakes and said he always wanted to order one but never had the money. Than moments later my friend Anna messaged me and said how much she’d love for me to make her Anniversary cake for her and her boyfriend. It’s been years and they still haven’t forgotten about my talent and it just makes me warm and fuzzy inside. I agreed to make their cakes for them and I hope I get more offers for them. I am out of a job right now and with all this time why not work on this “business” I once loved? It’s beautiful, maybe I’ll make these next few cloudy days a work of art. I’m excited to do this even though it bores me in a sense, but maybe I’ll get something else out of it this time. I decided I really want to adopt a Humpback Whale to go along with this Pacific Whale Foundation poster I have. I have the perfect spot for the adoption certificate and with this money from these two cakes I’ll have it in no time. I love nature, and maybe what I need to do right now is start up this business again while the economy is rough because I don’t see myself getting a job anytime soon.

Life Is Good List :

- Batman Pajama’s
- Justice League Cartoon seasons
- Caramel Iced Capp Supreme
- A lazy sibling as lazy as myself

Only when your truly alone, do you realize how you honestly feel.”

— ML

I stayed up all night wondering where you might be.”

— ML

Sara Bareilles - Hold My Heart

This song is beautiful, when a song has this deep piano and soft lyrics… it’s just a masterpiece. This song is like a hand on your shoulder, a hand on your shoulder letting you know that your not alone. Grief is a timely task, a very personal journey to happiness and it’s one of the hardest things to get through. Whether you had to say goodbye or somebody turned around and walked away, whether somebody was taken from this world or chose to get on a plane, it’s never easy to say goodbye… even when it’s the right thing to do. This song is beautiful, and when it’s to hard to say it yourself, it’s easy to let somebody else sing it to your heart. This is something I wanted to say to my imaginary boyfriend, because I believe in fate in such a way where I know somewhere out there is the man that will fall for me and we will get married and he will make me so happy. Until than though, I’ll keep wishing.

Life without a job,

means helping around the house. I find it fun though, maybe it’s the boredom kicking in but I do enjoy doing hard work and helping out. I have been helping my dad fix up the pool, but with the rain it’s hard to stand in freezing water so we have put it off for better weather. Also when the weather gets better I’ll be helping my mother paint all the railings on the patio white, than I get to paint my desk and dresser. I say they will be white with some bright pink and than my mom agreed to buy new handles. I like this “keep busy during Summer” thing, especially since the weather is so shitty I don’t care to do anything else.

IF I HAD A JOB:

I would get a helix piercing on my left ear.
I would get my belly button pierced.
I would buy a membership to the FitCity Woman’s gym.
I would get the hood on my car painted along with some other parts.
I would get a new stereo for my car, one that can play CD’s.
I would buy a new bouncy ball for my computer chair.
I would buy a motorcycle because I decided I really fucking want one.

Can’t. Stop. Organizing. My. Walls.

Alright so pretty much I have three bulletin boards in my room and one is right above my desk and the walls are covered with sticky notes, pictures, animal adoptions, peel and stick wall stickers of flowers and butterflies,Hot Wheels and newspaper clippings. It’s just cause I hate empty empty empty yellow walls so it’s all nice and motivating and beautiful. I have some posters in my room too and calenders and shelves and a fuck-ton of stuffed animals. Lately I have been re-organizing. Nothing drastic just been moving stickers and adding sticky notes and yeah… I need a little more! I love organizing and than walking in my room and appreciating it every-time I step in, it’s just something nice. I have enjoyed it and I will continue because I have nothing better to do.

MOVIE NIGHT :

So pretty much last night my buddy James texted me up and said he wanted to have a movie night so I planned it for the next day. I had seven good friends over and we watched Russell Brand movies, ended up watching Arthur and Get Him to the Greek which were both very amusing comedies that taught us how money, drugs, and alcohol can’t fix your deep emotional problems. We watched the movies and ate chips and candies and laughed our asses off. After that everybody dropped their passengers off and headed home. It was a really fun night and something to do but my favorite part was seeing Chris Loader, I have known this kid since kindergarten and I hadn’t seen him in two years so when I asked him to come over for movie night and he showed up I was as red as a tomato. He is funny and nice and awesome and a friend I’ve known for forever, one of the last ones from Elementary School and I’m so glad I haven’t lost that. I guess since alot of people have left me lately it was just really reassuring to have one walk back in. It literally made my night all on it’s own, it’s true what they say about friends because they honestly can fix anything by just being there.

Kaylin and I, she is my bestfriend and I freaking love her!

IT IS BEAUTIFUL! It just describes me, in my own eyes. Of being this happy, colorful little girl but putting up this act and being bitter to save myself. The contrast of the black and white with this tangled up rainbow, it’s a brilliant piece of work. It’s sharing pieces of yourself but not your soul. Her eyes are covered but not her mouth, as if she can say anything as if it’s the truth when the real reality of it all is still sunken deep within. It’s just a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful masterpiece of emotion and expression!

One thing sinks, the other overflows.

It’s paint, it’s color, it’s a water dipped brush. It’s bad, it’s good, it’s thoroughly misunderstood. It’s lovely, it’s horrific, it’s a monster in the light. It’s pink, it’s blue, but it’s all up to you. One deserted desert or two trash bins side by side. The main frame or the the enemy known as Bane. It’s the woman and the man, the shaved or native, the polished or worn. The beauty, the beast, the china that refuses to cease. It’s everything and anything that opposes ones true self, it’s everywhere and anywhere among the galaxy and earth itself. It’s a deadly sin and a miracle around the corner. What it is? Where does it go? Does it have a name? It’s tears, smiles and overall rage. It’s the pain inside and that specific age. It’s believing, dreaming, wishing, and rushing time. It is time. It’s memories and goodbyes, it’s past and present, it’s future and death. It’s technology and actors, actresses and singers, it’s writers and poets and inventors and love. It is love. It’s every particle in this earth about love, it’s matter, it’s everything that matters. It does have a name, a verb, an adjective.

GROWTH.
STRENGTH.
WILL.

It is humanity.

Parents wonder why their kids don’t tell them about their plans, well it’s probably because half the time they get cancelled and it’s just not worth the effort. At some point you just shut up and expect nothing.”

— ML

Wow, and I still wonder why I never leave my house? HOW?

A friend plans for the gym over the weekend, both days cancelled. A friend plans to see a movie with me and than decides she needs to get a good sleep. A friend says how sick she is and than another says she is meeting up with her, wow. Plans for Playland and all of a sudden everybody works, :O even when it was planned in advance… now that’s just sad and inconvenient. A big group of friends decides to go to White Rock tomorrow and than a few can’t go and all of a sudden there is no point in going. Holy fuck, I am just a bitter bitch lately and all this does is give me more reasons. I just want a cute boy and a job, is that really too much to ask? This Summer has been yet another Summer with a massive emptiness dealing with getting over somebody. I’m sick of all of it.

Tonight, I wish I were a werewolf.

The decaying remains of a fresh kill settling in the aura of the full moon. Screaming children filled in a classroom with the door closed after a “monster” terrorized their hallways and splattered educational promoters blood along the newly painted selections of the art-room. A choir singer with deeply rooted vocal chords spilling out of her still vibrating neck, the sheer shock and unheard of fantasy of it all still haunting her last melody. A painful transformation awaiting chaos and destruction, only to be unraveled at an innocent elementary school during a children’s play on Little Red Riding Hood, the irony was to die for. A blood thirsty animal sniffing out it’s next victim, what could be more beautiful? Red stained fur and muddy paws, claws digging into the desks and walls as the lights flickered in fear. A dark school, a safe haven once, now destroyed upon darkness and tears. The children sobbed and screamed and shivered continuously as the last of the teachers prayed for them to stop. Heavy breathing, rushed heartbeats, and the height of a shadow that grew from four to two and over eight feet tall. This hair covered, fang driven beast hovering outside of the door. It only left the rest up to imagination as it waited for the hearts to pump too much and erode out of miniature bodies before they hit the floor. The door snapped, the hinges broke, the doorknob dropped to the floor and rolled. A cloud of dust was born until two beastly paws took a hurricane to the floor and only left them staring into a pair of acquainted yellow eyes. Blood was splattered, screams were ended in chunks, glass shattered from the piercing pains and red dotted the floor in pearls and puddles. It was over. Everybody was dead. The shadow demolished into a naked young girl with wide eyes that couldn’t bear the shock of this. Her first full moon, her first release of the beast that fed inside of her. The answer to all of her greatest fears was questioned with more. This was the first full moon that shone down on her, and only her. She would never be looked for, questioned, called, or messaged. Her obituary would never be signed by a family member and her nightmares would never cease. The sadness built up and dropped in waterfalls, five minutes at a time before she stood up and grinned at what she had accomplished tonight. She was a werewolf and finally she knew what she had been waiting for all along, so she transformed, howled to the stars, and began her feast.

There is just this strong hold over me, this steel chain of misery.

All I want to do is workout, hit the gym over and over again. Feel pain, feel the pain of muscles building instead of a miss-diagnosed emptiness. The sun doesn’t shine enough for me to heal or rebuild. I just start to think that Summer has begun and than the clouds drape over the dreams and planning of future events. I keep going through these phases of eating alot and than eating nothing at all, as if either being too full or starving are my only choices. I try to plan events with friends and than I get this long list of replies that start with “I’m sorry” and than I realize it’s probably not going to happen. I’m trying to plan a few days at Harrison with my friends but where the fuck is the sunshine? The heat? Where is that burning ember in the sky to radiate upon our happiness and acknowledge our smiles with a slight glow? I’ve been through this specific rotting from within before, I have survived and rebuilt before, I have been hollowed out and produced a new seed and started over… but it never changes the depth of time. In Grade 9 I lost my two bestfriends and it took a few years to heal but along the way I fell in love. After falling in love and trusting again I started to trust a new bestfriend. Soon after I was dumped and my bestfriend was my crutch which took our relationship to a whole new level or dependence. I ended up keeping this new bestfriend and than fell in love for a second time. Soon enough me and my bestfriend drifted and all at once I lost her and my boyfriend. Now it’s a matter of rebuilding again, but you never truly heal until you feel love again. I have a bestfriend right now who makes me laugh and smile more than anybody else and is slowly gaining my trust more and more, but we all still have that burning desire for intimate affection and it’s landed me a fever.

JOHN GREEN, l-o-v-e.

Alright so I have read this guys quotes time and time again and I still can't over his writing style. I LOVE IT! It's like he is talking to you through his character which is very interesting to me and now I need to get his books. I want to read Looking for Alaska first.

"When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."
— John Green (Looking for Alaska)

"Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself."
— John Green

Just another Summer day where it rained.

Today I was supposed to fix up my cars paint-job a bit but it was pouring down rain, anyways I bought Rust Killer so when the weather gets better I can get that under control. It’s only two spots that you can see and they are no bigger than a pen so it’s not a big deal but I want it gone, than I’ll be spraying inside the whole trunk cause their used to be a leak and I want that dealt with before it eats my car. My vehicle is a 91 Honda Civic, four door and great condition. I want the paint job fixed because the hood is a different color so I’ll be killing the rust and finding out a cheap solution for the paint-job. Went to the gym with Kaylin and holy crap my arms and shoulders are going to be ripped by tomorrow. We did this “get on the ball” class and it worked your thighs, core, arms, shoulders, back… it was fucking intense. I enjoyed a really nice relaxing bath and I feel all clean and happy now so I’ll be having an easy-going night and than tomorrow hopefully the sun will come out and my best-friend and I can have an awesome FRIDAY! We’ll be hitting the gym again so hopefully we can enjoy some sun on top of that, it’s been nice.

For every failed attempt at happiness you only strengthen your courage and broaden your hope. The search never ends but we are all given the traits to grow at each destination. One day, we are meant to find ourselves. One day, happiness finds us.”

— ML

It’s the need for intimacy that will be the death of us.”

— ML

It hurts even more when you double that, but I guess that’s life and people that don’t think you are important enough to keep can go fuck themselves. They will soon be replaced with people that make time for you and truly care and than your happy again. Soon enough, you’ll always find another way to be happy again.

Wahoo, well today was another good sunshiny day.

I woke up and did chores and such and had Bronwyn and Glenn over. We ended up taking out my old pool liner and chopping it up into pieces and than evening out the sand in my empty pool, it was tough work but than we got slurpees. Later I picked up my friend Kaylin and we drove around, got Tims than we danced in my bedroom and it was awesome. Lots of laughs and good times and than I drove her home and picked up my mom from work. It’s her birthday today so when she got back home she got her gifts and cards and she loved every bit of it. Tomorrow I’ll be running errands with my mother and getting paint for my car, I need to paint the windshield wipers, between doors, the entire hood and some other touch-ups. I’m really excited because I’ve been wanting to do this for AWHILE now and tomorrow I can finally get started. Gym at 5pm with my BFF Kaylin which is going to be awesome and than who knows. This Summer doesn’t seem like much but it’s definitely got it’s moments, and since the weather is just starting to look up now… it seems it’s also only getting started.

“I wish I could just meet a boy that would take my breath away and marry me until the end of my days, but than I look at my reflection and realize how far away that has to be before I’m ready for it.”
— ML

Those nights you wish you were too drunk to remember every little detail.

Yeah those ones, they can be a morning, day or night. The ones you wish you could just erase from your memory cause it’s only haunting you. The words, sentences or just looks people gave you that you couldn’t forget or just shake off like it was nothing. I really wish I could. Stupid arguments I had with past friends, and phone calls that ended with yelling and hanging up instead of “goodnight, I’ll ttyl.” Those people that put you down by saying things like “you can’t sing” or “your fat” or whatever they said to you that you couldn’t just chuckle at and bitchslap. It’s the things people told you and you took them to heart, so deep that they reoccur every second day or every hour on the dot just to linger as a ghost, as if you deserve to be haunted for a very long time. It’s sickening. It’s like some horrible disease that people pass onto one another even when they know what they’re inflicting, even when they know the symptoms upon symptoms of damage they are throwing on people. It fucking hurts, it haunts, it hollows people out until they look at a skeleton in the mirror and ask if they are worthy enough to even smile anymore. It’s like some devil is on a crusade to inhale all the existing hope left on this planet, to leave us in ruins. That’s what happens, because that’s what happens when the people you love betray you. That’s what happens when you fall for somebody and they crush you. That’s what happens when expectations meet reality, and it happens all the time.

SURPRISE!

Well this afternoon I was all set up to tan like usual on my patio but than the phone rang. It was the Flying Wedge calling for an interview with me, THANK GOD. I have been handing out resumes for awhile now and it makes you tired and not very optimistic but today that changed. I went for my interview at 4:15pm and from my perspective it went rather well. The lady was interested in my cake decorating skills because apparently that helps with arranging the sauces on the pizzas. I hope this works out because lately I really need to get my ass in gear and save my money. I need car insurance money and a new stereo, it’s all about the car for me but it’s one of my most important things I own. I love my car and there is nothing wrong with that, hopefully I get the job and can once again start my savings.

I love this animal so much, this majestic beast of the ocean. Free. Telegraph Cove is where I enjoy watching them, I have been there twice and both were amazing trips and I can’t wait to return one day. I have adopted two whales through the Vancouver Aquarium that were $60 each and I renew their adoptions every year for $45. I’m trying to help by donating my money because I don’t have the knowledge or tools to donate my time. Their names are Blackney and Mike, chosen from the pods that circle near Vancouver Island. I miss Telegraph Cove and I miss them, I look forward to going back because that place is my heaven. They are my favorite site in this world.

My advice of the day:

You’re far greater than what somebody told you, you were. Don’t close your mind and think so small, your super, and one day your going to fly farther than this city has ever seen. Never underestimate a dream, wish, or strong belief because it matters, it really really matters.”
— ML

My deepest, darkest secret right now is for you to feel what I feel.

It seems that I was never good enough. I didn’t particularly want to sing in front of you unless the music was louder than I was and I didn’t want to play a few keys on your keyboard because it embarrasses the hell out of me. I didn’t feel like chopping all my hair off because you like it above the shoulder and I’m sorry my tits weren’t bigger cause that’s your thing. It seems I wasn’t convenient for you because I had an opinion and didn’t get along with any of your ridiculously judgmental friends or knew what the hell I was talking about in your family conversations because I’m not used to those. It seems my anger towards my family wasn’t alright with you because all you know is love within yours and my ideal romance with my car was unheard of because you can’t resist taking the bus. It seems I was just never good enough for you because I was myself and I don’t like screamo and my family didn’t allow me the privilege of going on trips downtown in my childhood. I have never seen Whistler and this Summer was the first time I’ve really been to a beach, I’m an isolated human being but I fucking tried for you. I tried by going to your place and watching the Hockey games with you and driving you wherever you wanted to go, I tried going to lunch with your friends and making small talk, I tried being apart of your family even when I had nothing to say and I tried getting you whatever you wanted when you wanted it. I wanted you to be surrounded in happiness and I wanted to be the one who saw you at your happiest, I wanted to be your special little heaven. I’m sorry I wasn’t fucking good enough and now all I want is for you to find this miracle girl. I want you to find this girl that you have been looking for, one who can write music with you and hangout with all your friends like they are the shit and blog the “right stuff” and interest you in how perfect her family is and how much she is dying to see your favorite band. I want you to find the perfect girl and than have her tell you that she can’t stand the fact that you can’t compromise, and than I want you to realize that I was the girl who compromised to much. Your fucking welcome.

“I laughed so hard today, but than I was reminded of you. I think my addiction is in the escape, it’s being surrounded by friends and laughing at the stupidest of things just to get by, because we are all suffering from something, but it’s a beautiful thing when we realize we do not have to suffer alone. We can smile, laugh and be merry. It’s only at the end of the day that we realize it’s not enough.”
— ML

When somebody calls me a "machine" it's literally my favorite compliment; I love the Terminator.

The truth though is opposite. Yesterday I did 100 sit-ups and than beat the shit out of my punching bag and all day today I regretted going all out on my right hook every-time. It’s nice though, to be achy all over because you forget how many muscles you actually have and how much more is in you than you think or feel. Your heart, you feel when somebody breaks it, but your smile you feel when somebody makes it. The human body is a beautiful thing, a machine at times. I am glad I worked it so hard yesterday to exhaust my anger and work my muscles but it was sore today and I hope it’s better healed tomorrow. Lately I have been sick too and I don’t know if it’s allergies or something else because I have never had allergies. My wisdom teeth are coming in and keep pinching the top right side of my mouth and it’s becoming hard to ignore, even with Advil. The only thing I know for sure is that some beautiful sunshine could fix me up good right about now. I’m broken in so many places, mentally and physically and maybe I need to heal the way Superman does, under the beaming ray of sunshine that made life in the first place.