There is just this strong hold over me, this steel chain of misery.

All I want to do is workout, hit the gym over and over again. Feel pain, feel the pain of muscles building instead of a miss-diagnosed emptiness. The sun doesn’t shine enough for me to heal or rebuild. I just start to think that Summer has begun and than the clouds drape over the dreams and planning of future events. I keep going through these phases of eating alot and than eating nothing at all, as if either being too full or starving are my only choices. I try to plan events with friends and than I get this long list of replies that start with “I’m sorry” and than I realize it’s probably not going to happen. I’m trying to plan a few days at Harrison with my friends but where the fuck is the sunshine? The heat? Where is that burning ember in the sky to radiate upon our happiness and acknowledge our smiles with a slight glow? I’ve been through this specific rotting from within before, I have survived and rebuilt before, I have been hollowed out and produced a new seed and started over… but it never changes the depth of time. In Grade 9 I lost my two bestfriends and it took a few years to heal but along the way I fell in love. After falling in love and trusting again I started to trust a new bestfriend. Soon after I was dumped and my bestfriend was my crutch which took our relationship to a whole new level or dependence. I ended up keeping this new bestfriend and than fell in love for a second time. Soon enough me and my bestfriend drifted and all at once I lost her and my boyfriend. Now it’s a matter of rebuilding again, but you never truly heal until you feel love again. I have a bestfriend right now who makes me laugh and smile more than anybody else and is slowly gaining my trust more and more, but we all still have that burning desire for intimate affection and it’s landed me a fever.